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| Chapter - 02 |
| Start Right New To Win With Others |
During the Third Crusade of the Middle Ages, the English knights under Richard the Lion-Hearted ran into a problem. The problem was built of stone. It was a massive, strongly fortified castle held by the fierce and fanatical Turks. The Crusaders knew that the castle had to be captured if the crusade was to push on to its final objective in the Holy Land.
King Richard directed a frontal attack by handpicked infantrymen against the main gate. The soldiers were driven back with staggering losses. A desperate charge by the English cavalry was also beaten back with heavy casualties. A third assault by a combined force of archers and crossbowmen failed utterly; the main gate stood firm.
It looked as if King Richard's plan to march on to the conquest of the Holy Land was defeated, or at the very best, stalled for months to come.
But Richard wasn't called the Lion-Hearted for nothing. If the castle couldn't be taken by frontal assault, there must be another way—and the King was determined to find it.
One evening the English monarch had a group of prisoners brought in for questioning. A Turkish bowman let slip the information that the castle was undermined by a series of secret passages leading from the stronghold to concealed exits in the surrounding woods. That very night the Crusaders slipped down into the openings and silently raced along the hidden tunnels. Within ten minutes they penetrated beyond the overhead walls, and inside another five minutes they burst out into the castle itself, with swishing swords. The surprised and overwhelmed Turks surrendered almost without a struggle. The castle fell. King Richard and his legions marched triumphantly through the main gate.
This illustrates much more than a successful military tactic; it is a sound principle that you can employ with considerable triumph in your march toward winning others.
As we saw in Chapter 1, people are quite willing to be persuaded by you, but you must use the "secret passages" to get to them.
Henry Clay Lindgren observes:
One of the facts of human relations which we must learn again and again . . .is that there are better and more effective ways of supervising people than through the use of direct force. Indeed, the really successful leader is one who does not have to use force at all in order to carry out his functions as a leader.1
The direct approach usually fails because it arouses fear in the other person that you are trying to dominate him or put one over on him. Of course the people you wish to win are not your enemies, but even the friendliest of friends will stiffen their defenses against a slam-bang attack. When you approach another with techniques that boldly broadcast, "I'm going to win you over," his natural self-defensiveness is sure to counterattack with, "That's what you think."
Bear in mind:
A man takes contradiction and advice much more easily than people think, only he will not bear it when violently given, even though it be well founded. Hearts are flowers, they remain open to the soft-falling dew, but shut up in the violent downpour of rain. (Ritcher)
Women especially resent the blunt approach when being persuaded to buy this or agree to that. They don't mind being won, but they prefer a little wooing first.
Besides, when you make your point of attack too obvious you enable the other man to concentrate all his resources against it. That often results in a stalemate with no one winning and everyone losing. Another thing you should remember is this: Whenever anyone knows that you desperately want something from him he tends to withhold it, for it gives him a very satisfying sense of power over you. He knows that as long as he keeps you at bay that you will continue to seek him out. That gives him a great sense of self-importance that he won't easily give up. Your indifferent attitude is sometimes far more effective than might be imagined.
Inasmuch as the blunt approach defeats itself far too often, what are the alternatives, what are the "secret passages" that lead you to your conquest? You will find dozens of them explained in these pages, but one of the primary rules to remember is that:
1 Reprinted from The Art of Human Relations, copyright 1953, by Henry Clay Lindgren, Thomas Nelson & Sons, Publishers.
Self-interest is Everyone's First InterestThe story is told of a fellow named Tom who came to his best friend Harry for some advice on a love affair:
"Harry, I can marry a wealthy lady who doesn't excite me at all, or I can wed a poor girl whom I love passionately. Which one should I choose?"
"By all means," his friend quickly replied, "be true to your heart-felt passion and marry the girl you love. And by the way," the friend slyly added, "give me the name of the wealthy one."
This is the humorous way of pointing out that when when all is said and done, self-interest comes before any other interest. Everyone tends to see things according to his private needs and desires. We interpret and we act for our personal benefits. That is the plain fact about human nature and that is what you must work with if you are to influence it. Nature made us that way for the sake of survival. Remember that constructive self-interest is not the same thing as selfishness. The selfish person's very selfishness prevents him from serving his own best welfare. Generosity is a result of knowing how to serve yourself so well that your very abundance of happiness makes it possible for you to let it overflow onto others. Here is how Dr. Sandor S. Feldman sums it up: "We think first of ourselves. Only when we are taken care of can we afford to think of the other fellow."2
After discussing the foregoing ideas with me, Glen K., an accountant, came up with this question: "But if self-interest is a man's primary interest, where does that leave me, I mean, how can I get him interested in me?"
"It's really very easy," I told him, "once you understand what you must do."
"What must I do to sell myself to the other man?"
"Sell him on himself. That is what you must remember first, last, and always. This doesn't mean you have to indulge in idle flattery or anything else so shallow; it merely means that you assist him in living up to the kind of person he wants to be. Everyone has doubts about his ability to become a better person; by assuring him that he isn't doing so badly you attract his attention and his approval."
Glen said he would concentrate on this pointer. As he does so, he will see how easy it is to turn the other man's self-interest into mutual profit.
In what areas does a man like to be sold on himself? There are hundreds of areas where you can help to build a man's
"Picture-preference." By this term we mean that every man has a picture of himself as he prefers to see himself. (Psychiatrists like Dr. Freud call it self-image or self-concept.) It is no surprise that his Picture-preference is a complimentary one; there is no man on earth who doesn't prefer to think of himself as being bright rather than dull, or powerful rather than weak.
You become a creative artist in human relations by contributing to another's Picture-preference. Let's look at some of them.
People prefer to appear: And prefer not to appear:
1. to be sought-after to be ignored.
2. to be clever to be witless.
3. to be someone special to be one of the crowd.
4. to be daring to be timid.
5. to be an exciting person to be dull.
6. to be discerning to be gullible.
7. to be energetic to be lazy.
8. to be reasonable to be a rash thinker.
9. to be needed to be unwanted.
10. to be self-sufficient to be weak.
11. to be relaxed to be tense.
12. to be modest to be vain.
13. to be on the way up to be futureless.
14. to be courteous to be impolite.
15. to be mature to be childish.
Give yourself some practical practice at this point by writing down five of your personal Picture-preferences. Since we all like pretty much the same things, you can be sure that others will want them also. Now you have five more ideas for selling a man on himself—and also on you.
People prefer to appear: And prefer not to appear:
1. _________________ _________________
2. _________________ _________________
3. _________________ _________________
4. _________________ _________________
5. _________________ _________________
You can start right now to win your way with others by remembering, "Habit is the deepest law of human nature." (Carlyle) Also, "Habit is necessary to give power." (Hazlitt)
Have you ever noticed how some people have the happy habit of being charming and interesting persons? You like them instinctively and you have the feeling that they like you also. And also notice how others habitually fail to attract either attention or admiration? You just can't warm up to them.
No doubt you realize that habit is a powerful and persistent characteristic of human nature. Better yet, let's identify it as a helpful and necessary servant, for that is what a positive habit really is. Because you have established the habit of eating breakfast in a certain manner you can also turn your mind to the morning newspaper. Your habit of walking down the street is so well established as a subconsciously directed process that you can also toss around in your mind your various business affairs. Habit makes things simple and efficient. That much is obvious.
Because of all this, habit is too tremendous a force to ignore when it comes to human relations. The wise man throws it into the battle for advancing his aims. That is why I next want to show you how to turn the force of habit into a power for commanding and winning other people to your way. It works magic for the person who works with it.
Now, then, it is a well-known psychological law that a habit is formed through pleasurable repetition. The first time we tasted candy we liked the taste. Because we wanted to continue the pleasure we repeated the tasting. This established the pleasant habit of enjoying candy. It is something we like to be associated with constantly.
The very same principle applies in a person-to-person relationship. Someone meets you and you offer him a pleasant smile. Because he likes to be smiled at, he goes away with a warm memory of your smile. The next time you meet him perhaps you say something complimentary about him. Your compliment reinforces the warmth already generated by the previous smile. He enjoys thoroughly the pleasurable sensation-upon-pleasurable sensation. The third time you meet, ask him to tell you about himself. This adds a third pleasure to the first two. About this time his mind gratefully asks, "Why do I feel so good?" Another part of his mind replies, "Because of the person who supplies you with your warm feelings." He now associates you with his pleasant feeling of self-esteem. His liking for himself overflows into a liking for you. He can't help but be attracted to the author of his pleasure.
2 Sandor S. Feldman, M.D., Mannerisms of Speech and Gestures in Everyday Life (New York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1959).
Furthermore, because he likes you he will want to please you. So that you will continue to supply him with pleasurable feelings, he will do whatever he can to supply you with the same. (Here we see at work the familiar law of give and take.)
Summary: Your repeated pleasantries will induce the other person to habitually yield to you the very best that he or she possesses. By this means you can build a habit of winning others the effortless way.
One way to establish yourself as a repeated winner in your human relations is to:
Return Again And Again To The Basic Principles Governing Human Nature
Stonewall Jackson, the brilliant Confederate commander who won victory after victory over the Northern armies, was sitting on a log one afternoon reading a small book. He was noticed by a pair of young lieutenants who were rushing toward the front lines where a battle was about to explode.
"The general sits there calmly reading a book just as we're about to attack the enemy," puzzledly gasped one of the young officers. "It's hard to understand how he always whips the Yankees."
"If you knew the book he is reading," explained the other, "you would know why he always wins."
What was the book that so absorbed General Jackson? It was one that he carried with him and referred to constantly—the Military Maxims of Napoleon. Jackson had the wisdom to persistently study and review the basic rules of warfare as laid down by the French emperor.
What has this to do with you and the winning of your personal campaigns with people? It will help you to remember that there is no such thing as knowing all there is to know about engaging and winning people. You must continually seek to understand why and how people behave as they do, for "Whatever you cannot understand you cannot possess." (Goethe) The campaign requires constant additions to your know-how. Knowledge piled upon knowledge gives you power upon power.
Let's take two examples:
Curtis H., a land developer, instituted a program which offered free tours of the countryside to prospective real estate investors. In his mailings he urged the prospects to phone his office to make the arrangements for the trips. Because he was a careful student of human behavior he was curious to discover if there was a pattern of some sort covering those who phoned in and those who did not. He discovered there was. Far fewer calls came from those who had to make a toll call in order to reach his office. Curtis promptly removed that block by making arrangements to pay for the calls himself. It cost him a few extra dollars per month in his phone bill—and it earned him several hundred dollars per month in additional business.
Remember that removing a minor block in the other person's way may lead to that person making a major decision in your favor.
Paul K., a newly appointed junior executive in a cosmetics firm, was assigned the task of planning the company's annual picnic. Since time was short he needed a female assistant who could help him to get things done in a hurry. His problem was that he had his choice of more than 30 ladies around the office, none of whom he knew very well. Paul recalled a psychological principle that goes like this: "People who are quick and brisk in their physical movements are quite likely to be efficient and decisive. Their physical quickness is an extension of their mental alertness." By keeping his eyes open Paul soon found the efficient assistant he needed.
Anyone else could have done likewise, for you can gather all sorts of useful information about people just by watching their physical movements, such as the way they walk and gesture. Dr. Sandor S. Feldman points out, "Every human being has his own particular gait through which he can be characterized and recognized." 3
People who fail to get places with other people are like the little boy who kept falling out of bed at night. When his mother asked him why it always happened he shrugged his reply, "I guess it's because I stay too near the place where I got in."
You need not fall out in your relations with others. Not if you will persistently go beyond whatever knowledge about people you now possess. Not if you will assume that there is always lots more to learn. There always is. "Victory," declared Napoleon, "belongs to the most persevering."
The rest of this chapter is devoted to some of the basic principles which you should habitually employ.
3 Sandor S. Feldman, M.D., Mannerisms of Speech and Gestures in Everyday Life (New York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1959).
General Rules for Specific Successes1. TURN THEIR MISTAKES INTO YOUR PROFIT
People are forever making mistakes in your favor. Get to know what they are. When a man becomes angry at you he is telling you that he fears your strength. When a person sullenly withdraws from you he is informing you how much you really mean to him. Always go beyond the act to find the real motive (which is usually not the same motive he informs you of). Never take another's explanation of his behavior at face value; he may be trying to save face. Always use another's mistakes toward you as a tool for winning him over or for building your personal strength.
As an example of how you can use others to build your personal powers:
A married couple were imposed upon by thoughtless relatives who constantly invaded their privacy and wasted their time. After studying the situation they told the relatives, "We are cutting down on our social hours. Too much else we want to do. We'll get together when we can." The relatives reacted with surprise and injured pride—but they also responded in the way that thoughtless people will always react to polite strength —with respect. That married couple wisely used that problem-situation to add more independence to their lives.
2. ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO EXPRESS THEIR SECRET FEELINGS
People are far more extreme in emotional make-up than appears on the surface. They are capable of far more affection than they dare to show and are also able to act with more hostility than they want others to know about. They behave with outward moderation because they want you to think they are in control of themselves. Everyone wants desperately to express both their positive and negative urges. They hesitate to let themselves go because they think they may open themselves to criticism or because they fear it may be socially unacceptable or because they want to maintain a certain pose.
You become a persuasive personality as you permit others to release both their secret affections and their hostilities. They deeply appreciate someone who can hear of these secret emotions without being shocked by them.
A woman once told me she wanted to ignite an outward show of affection between herself and her utterly bashful boy friend. Yet she didn't want to seem to be a bold woman. I advised, "The next time you walk down the street together slip your arm under his and clutch clingingly. That is a perfectly natural action on your part and one that will make him feel needed by you. Keep doing that and he will get the idea that you like him. That should encourage him to start a few things on his own."
Another woman told me she was troubled by daily headaches. I asked her whom she hated. As soon as she got over the shock of seeing her hostility (for one of her relatives) brought out into the open, she thanked me profusely. She said, "What a relief to find someone who lets me be hateful without condemning me for it."
Permit people to reveal themselves to you fully and freely.
3. "WHAT A POWER THERE IS IN INNOCENCE!" (Moore)
There is nothing like innocence and naturalness for persuading people to do what you want them to do. If you don't think so, just watch what happens when some wide-eyed and curly-topped little girl snuggles up to dad and asks him for something. Dad doesn't stand a chance.
A simple and direct request for whatever you want has a disarming charm all its own. People are so tired of guile and trickery that it comes as a cool breeze on a hot day when they meet someone whose persuasion comes from an innocent personality.
By innocence we don't mean weakness or gullibility or anything like that. A man doesn't have to be weak to be innocent; he merely has to be a real person. People somehow sense that there is a great deal of strength in the man who can lay aside all artificiality and be himself, regardless of what that self might be. This kind of strength has enormous appeal, for we like to see in others what we would like to see in ourselves.
4. BE REALISTIC RATHER THAN IDEALISTIC ABOUT PEOPLE
Don't idealize people. Most of us do this to a wider extent than we may think. We lose the power to understand other people when we see them according to the way we need or want to see them. If a person has a deep need for people to be kindly toward him, he will tend to expect others to be kindly; that is what he will look for. But if the facts eventually contradict the ideal, then that person will become disappointed and perhaps bitter.
This does not mean that you have to go to the other extreme of suspecting others of unkind motives. It means that you do not draw your personal picture of another as you would like him to be, but rather you let him draw his own picture of himself in his own due time. Let other people be whatever they really are and you will not be disappointed in them. You are disappointed only when the real doesn't match the ideal.
Maybe you ask, "But shouldn't I think the very best of everyone?" The answer is, you can only really think the best of everyone when you do see them as they really are—with all their virtues and all their shortcomings. Any other viewpoint indicates resistance to the realities about people, and in that there is plenty of pain.
Besides—and this is of utmost significance to you—people always respond to your persuasions according to their real nature, not according to any idealistic ideas you may have about them. Hit them where they really live and you'll win them over.
5. FIND SOMETHING RIGHT IN EVERYTHING THAT SEEMS WRONG
You can find something of value in everything that happens to you. This is one of those truisms that everyone likes to believe but has trouble with when it comes to putting it into practice.
The chief problem which most people have—it may be your problem also—is that they resist a negative event instead of trying to understand it.
Never fight a disappointment which people may bring into your life, rather, look out for something which you can use for your growth. The enrichment is always there. But you have to make up your mind that you will find it. Do so and you will.
Not to learn from experience is to pay the price without getting the product.
One man, now an executive in the electronics industry, told me this during a dinner conversation:
Once, as a young salesman, I called on a prospect whom I thought would welcome me and my goods with open arms. From someplace I had gotten the idea that he desperately needed my products. Then, to my utter shock, he turned me down completely. Walking down the street I got to thinking about it. The more I thought about it the happier I got. Here is why: I got to thinking that if a likely prospect would say no, there must also be some unlikely prospects who might say yes. That would seem to be some sort of a law of averages that I could use. I decided to test it by calling on several prospects who had been on my unlikely list. I gave them a highly enthusiastic sales presentation, and was again shocked— they bought twice as much as I had hoped for! Since then I have never failed to remember that a turn-down can always be used in some way as a turn-up. Incidentally, I later went back and sold a sizeable order to the very man who, by turning me down, had given my sales career a sharp boost.
Summary: Find something right with everything that seems wrong.
6. A WAY TO SWAY
Here is a good way to remember the four principles which form the foundation of all your programs of persuasion:
a. Let them See. This means that you bring your program or product or idea to their attention.
b. Make them Want. In this step you show them how your program will enrich them in some way.
c. Lead them to Agree. At this point you guide them into positive responses to your idea.
d. Persuade them to Yield. You get them to take the final step, such as signing for your products or adopting your viewpoint.
Notice that the first letters in these key words spell SWAY. Remember SWAY and you will sway people to your way.
7. AVOID THE APPEARANCE OF BEING A THREAT
Once I was watching a class of polka dancers composed of about 50 men and women who had taken up the recreation for the first time. All of a sudden, in the middle of one of the dances, the instructor cut off the music and snapped into the microphone with a grim manner, "You've got to pay more attention if you want to get things right." Those few words spoken in a critical spirit promptly ruined that man as a popular instructor. He may have been right in what he had to say, but no one appreciated the tactless way he said it. In other words, his attitude was unnecessarily threatening.
People are tremendously sensitive, hence easily frightened and dismayed by faultfinding from others. Even when people don't show it on the surface they react strongly to the words and acts and facial expressions of those with whom they associate. This is especially true when something seems to threaten their self-esteem. All of us tend to withdraw from the person who damages our feelings of self-worth.
Remember the sensitivity of people. Take care to avoid all appearance of being a threat to their self-esteem.
Secrets for Exerting Instant Influence1. Don't use a frontal attack when trying to change some one. Use the secret passages.
2. Remember that self-interest is everyone's first interest. Satisfy the wants of the other person and you influence that person toward satisfying your own.
3. Contribute to the Picture-preference of the other man. He needs your assurance that he is liked and welcomed. This is a forceful influence in your behalf.
4. Employ the power of habit in all your people-persuading programs. It saves time and effort.
5. Study constantly the principles governing human behavior. They are your tools for winning success-through-people. But take it easy; don't try to understand every thing at once. Things will get much clearer as you proceed.
6. Never permit another's mistake to upset you. Always use it to strengthen your position.
7. Let the other man express and release his secret feelings to you. When he does so, do not react with surprise or shock or criticism; he will appreciate you as you simply understand and accept him.
8. Try the simple and direct request for what you want. It has a quiet charm all its own.
9. If you want to influence people with maximum force, see them as they really are, not as they appear to be one the surface of their personalities. People respond to persuasion according to their real natures.
10. Remember the extreme sensitivity of people. Let them be sensitive to your kindness and to your strength.
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