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| Chapter - 05 |
| You Can Be Quickly Liked And Appreciated |
A somewhat confused man once asked me, "Why should I care whether or not anyone likes me? I have enough money to live comfortably; I manage to keep myself busy; why should I bother whether anyone likes me?"
"Because," I told him, happiness is always better than misery. Of course you may have your money and your activities, but are you happy? Anyone can keep busy, but are you happy?"
He said he wasn't sure.
Of course that man cared—and cared desperately—whether or not people liked him. Underneath his thin coating of indifference lurked that persistent human yearning to be valued and appreciated by others. His problem was in his confusion as to how to achieve one of life's simplest but greatest of prizes-warm and gratifying relations with people.
Being wanted and needed by other people is vital to personal health and happiness. Still, it is only one side of the golden coin. What is the other part? What is just as necessary as having someone to like us? It is having someone to like. As Douglas
Jerrold writes, "It is the beautiful necessity of our nature to love something." Every river needs an outlet for its flow; every individual needs someone upon whom he can release affections and kindnesses and services. Every man or woman who silently requests of another, "Please like me," also asks with equal yearning, "Please—will you let me like you?"
Thomas Edison was once asked by a laboratory assistant why certain basic principles should be applied when working with electricity. "You should follow the rules," the great inventor replied, "because they work."
There has never been a better reason for applying any set of rules than that they do what they are supposed to do. So let's adventure into those fundamental principles governing human relations which can make any person quickly liked and appreciated—and which also supply him with someone to whom he can say, "I like you."
It is the likeable people who are the most persuasive.
Likeability ListWe sometimes get so involved with complicated plans for building an attractive personality that we forget the use of those every-day pleasantries which appeal automatically to everyone. It is really the simplest task in the world to win the friendship and approval of those whom we want to attract. All you really have to do to be liked is to be likeable.
Use the following list of attractive traits of personality. Read each of these powers of persuasion (that is what they really are) and rate yourself from 1 to 5. If you feel that you possess the likeable trait to a maximum degree, score yourself with a 5. To lesser degrees, rate yourself 1, 2, 3, 4.
Give special attention to those having the lowest ratings, then decide that you will raise them to maximum power. Connect your endeavors with some of the self-advancing techniques supplied throughout this book.
We are liked best when we are:
1. Dependable |
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20. Optimistic |
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Be Simple and Spontaneous
One of the aims of this book is to show you how to present a personality that is naturally attractive, one that is unencumbered by mental confusions and emotional barriers. When you come right down to it, the people who are liked best are those who walk among others with a free and simple and spontaneous and easy-going self. But this does not at all mean that simple people lack vigor and sparkle; on the contrary, they possess much more of these natural attractions than complicated individuals. The complex personality chokes off his natural forces of spontaneity and freshness. It is a man's original and natural state to possess the traits previously listed, such as calmness of spirit and an adventurous attitude toward life.
To repeat, it is the simple things, the elementary things, the direct and spontaneous things that have the most influence on us. It is curious that we as human beings forget this. We forget and neglect it because we ourselves have become complex and indirect. In this state we have little capacity to see things simply and directly.
All this is leading up to a very practical point, which is this: As we regain our simplicity of personality, we become extremely aware of ways and means to attract and influence others. Our personal simplicity enables us to work with others in a straightforward and immensely effective manner.
I want to show you what I mean:
While on my way to a speaking engagement I was driving through a small town when I decided to stop for lunch. Although the town itself was of limited size, it had a busy main street, for it was the passageway between two large cities. I took a booth in a modest-sized cafe and began making some notes for a new manuscript I was working on. The man who took my order turned out to be the owner. He made some sort of a friendly remark about my notes, after which I told him that I wrote books on the subject of practical psychology.
"Practical psychology," he reflected. "That's just what I need. Maybe you can help me. I'm always looking for ways to attract more customers. We get lots of tourists and travelers through here. I'd like to induce more of them to stop in here for lunch. How can I do it? If I'm not asking too much, could you give me just one good idea for bringing them in?"
I asked him to come outside with me. As we stood on the sidewalk facing his cafe, I requested, "Take a look at your sign."
He glanced up at his sign which read Dans Cafe. "Yes," he nodded, "what about it?"
"How big is it?"
"About two feet in height."
"Make it four."
He frowned, "Four feet tall? That's a big sign for such a small cafe."
"No, I don't mean four feet. I mean four yards."
"Four yards in height?"
"Four yards. In bright red letters. Are you interested in conforming to the usual pattern or are you interested in catching more customers?"
He whistled. "You're right. Why didn't I think of that before?"
"Because your mind is caught in traditional thinking patterns. Just because the man down the street has a two-foot sign is no reason why you should follow him. In fact, it's the best reason for not. You want to win more customers? Good.
Do it the simple way. Attract their attention with a sign that attracts attention. You're not being brash. You're being independent. And businesslike."
"Your lunch," he told me excitedly, "is on the house."
Summary: Look for the obvious and the simple and the direct thing to do. That is what attracts people who can do things for you.
Be Casual With PeopleTo be casual with people simply means that we accept them as they are. It means that we don't insist that they behave according to our ideas of right behavior. It also means that we don't try to force them to occupy the place we want them to occupy for our own comfort or convenience.
You are dealing in a mature fashion with other people when you handle them causally, rather than forcefully.
In Japan's pearl industries they use wide boards perforated with holes of various sizes. The purpose of these boards is to permit the pearls to find their own places in the world of jewelry. As the gems roll down the incline they fall automatically into the proper opening, in other words, they drop through the board into the box where they naturally belong. Damage would be done to both the pearl and the industry if workers insisted on forcing the pearls into this or that opening. The wise worker casually and simply permits each gem to behave as it chooses. He then uses it according to its own choice of behavior.
Likewise, we should never try to force anyone into a position which we think they should occupy, rather, we must let them be themselves. When you come to think of it, it is the only fair way. After all, we want them to let us be ourselves!
One way to achieve this casual sort of acceptance is to give people credit for the roles they do play; appreciate them for what they are, and don't be distressed over what you think they should be.
Give casual credit.
It has been said that you could send a telegram with the single word "Congratulations" on it to 10 different people and all of them could think of a valid reason for it. Most people feel that the credit they get lags sadly behind the credit they deserve. This means that the person who appreciates the efforts of another is certain to be appreciated in return.
It is easy enough to praise another whenever he achieves something unusual, but the kindest credit of all is that given to another for his little daily tasks, like turning out accurate office reports day after day, or like the cooking and cleaning carried on by the faithful little lady around the home.
People don't really ask too much from life. When you come right down to it, most of us are blissfully content with the simple life once our needs for self-esteem and self-worth have been fulfilled.
"Good things should be praised." (Shakespeare) Give a man credit for his daily tasks and you turn him into a happy and appreciative individual. You also make him your friend.
"I Like You the Way You Are"If there are seven beautiful words in this world, you have just read them. There is absolutely nothing like them for making people want to be with you and to be for you.
People get so weary of other people who are always trying to change them. People get plain sick and tried of being criticized, accused, glared at, contradicted, bawled out, blamed, imposed upon, restricted, ridiculed, turned down, judged, laughed at, doubted, cold-shouldered, snapped at, prohibited, and penalized.
If any of these have ever happened to you, you get the point.
A woman once told me, "Whenever I meet someone, I always hope he likes me, not the me he wants me to be."
When you offer others simple acceptance of themselves with all their habits and moods and opinions you have given them something for which they have been desperately searching all their lives. When your attitude and manner tell someone, "Please be yourself, whatever that self may be," you have set yourself apart in his eyes as a person with extraordinary kind ness and understanding.
An executive in the electrical equipment industry passes on this word to his department supervisors:
Always assure your new employees from the very start that we expect them to have human faults. Let them know that as far as the company is concerned there is no such thing as an awkward beginner; there is only an employee who is getting on to the hang of things. This relieves a good deal of the tension that usually goes along with the tackling of a new skill. Our employees will learn much faster and will be far happier and more efficient.
That company has proved over the years that it's even good business to like and accept people the way they are.
Besides all this, the more you take the other person as he is, the more you will understand him. And the more you grasp the ways he works, the more influence you are going to exert. People themselves will tell you how to win them over. But you have to listen.
How To Be EnchantingI recall one time as a boy I had gone to the movie theater to see the latest mystery film. The plot concerned a gang of international jewel thieves who were plotting to steal the crown jewels from the Tower of London. A chum of mine, a fun-loving boy named Donny, sat down next to me and began chomping on a candy bar.
"Good picture," he gulped between bites.
"Quiet," I scowled. "I want to watch."
A moment later he asked, "Know who's going to do it?"
"Do what?"
He pointed his candy bar at the screen. "Do the big robbery."
"Go away."
"You'll never guess," he gulped. "Don't want to," I growled. "Vanish." He threatened with a grin, "I think I'll tell you." I threatened with a frown, "You do and you'll be sorry." Donny jabbed a finger at the moving figures, "See that man with the mustache?"
I turned on him with a glare, "Donny, if you . . ." "Well," Donny laughed, "he isn't the one." As I sat back in relief, Donny leaped up, shook a sticky finger at the screen, yelled, "The woman with the earrings! She did it! Eeeeee!" With the fiendish yelp Donny dodged out of reach of my clutching hands. It was good for his health that he did, for he had ruined the mystery. Now that I knew who was going to pull off the big operation, my level of interest dropped at least 50 percent.
The point is this: Don't give yourself away completely. While everyone likes the forthright and clear-cut individual, remember also that "There is profound charm in mystery." (Chat-field) You shouldn't tell everyone everything about yourself; keep them guessing a bit. You are entitled to your private life and others are entitled to be somewhat curious about it. Their curiosity will keep them wanting to associate more in order to learn more. Hand a clipped newspaper to someone and he will hound you for the clipped-out item.
Women have mastered this secret better than men, for they seem to sense that "It is the dim haze of mystery that adds enchantment to pursuit." (Rivarol)
Be Someone SpecialThe humorous story goes about the weary hostess who was told by a guest, "I notice that your next door neighbor doesn't seem to have many friends,"
Replied the hostess with a sigh, "Yes; I wonder how she manages."
Most people are not interested in having an unlimited number of friends and acquaintances. Not really. Even when a man firmly declares his interest in being surrounded constantly by lots of people he may not realize how he is kidding himself. Even while mixing gaily with the crowd he secretly hopes to find one person—just the right person—who will like him and accept him and understand him and who will tell him that he is pretty much okay after all. When and if he finds that one special friend, his driving need for so many others slackens off.
One way to be a special person is to be a reassuring friend. That automatically makes you stand out in any crowd. It is a fact that for every 10 people who need reassurance of their personal worth there is usually only one person around who is capable of saying and doing the things that fill that need. That one person is easily someone special.
"Assurance is more than life. It is health, strength, power, vigor, activity, energy." (J. C. Ryle) Think of how much a man will like you when you give him all that!
A man whom we'll call Tom walked in with drooping shoulders and sad eyes. "Mr. Howard," he began, "I've tried to be a success in life. Really I've tried. Hard. But I no longer know which way to turn. I'm confident only in doing today what I did yesterday. And yesterday was a flop. I don't mean to burden you with my problems, but sometimes I get so discouraged over making a success of my life . . ." His voice trailed off.
"I don't think you understand," I told him.
"Understand what?"
"That you are a success. A success I appreciate."
"What do you mean?"
"You're a success with me. Completely."
Tom smiled. "I guess you're just trying to make me feel good."
"That wasn't my primary purpose. I have my own definition of a successful man. As far as I'm concerned, his only qualification is to be a nice kind of person. A friendly man or a pleasant woman is an instant and overwhelming success with me. That's why you are a genuine success."
"Nice," he smiled with assurance, "to hear it phrased like that."
Build your own self-assurance through the techniques of this book (Chapter 10 especially) and you will become a very special person to others. "Please be stronger than I," is the hope and plea of practically everyone who ever contacts anyone. If you will go right ahead and satisfy that hope you will have progressive popularity.
Decide to Expand Yourself Through PeopleYou should insist to yourself that you are going to expand your power to persuade and command people. Regardless of what you want—whether it is appreciation or financial increase or social popularity—you can advance beyond your present position spectacularly. There is no such thing as limitation, there is only an apparent border rimming your circle of success. You can break through this seeming enclosure by starting right where you are and by employing new people and more people.
You must guard against too much self-satisfaction in your present programs with others. Present successes tend to blunt your effort toward greater ones to be found in the future. Keep challenging yourself. Start every morning with a fresh attack. New challenges breed toughness, alertness, and best of all they breed new victories in your financial or social world or wherever else you want them.
Some years ago there was an enthusiastic merchant named Richard who lived in Redwood Falls, Minnesota. He made small but steady profits by buying coal and lumber from the local Indians and selling them to all customers he could find. Richard was pleased with his success, but not overly content with it. Being the enthusiastic businessman that he was, he wanted fast growth. Richard started looking around for opportunities to expand himself by selling more goods to more people. One day the jeweler in Redwood Falls refused to accept a shipment of watches sent to him by the manufacturer. Sensing an opportunity, Richard promptly hurried over. He received permission to sell the watches, then sat down to write some enthusiastic letters describing the timely bargains. People that he had never even seen started sending him money by return mail. When the entire lot was sold, Richard happily saw that his expansion could be pushed by the simple process of contacting people beyond his present commercial world. He immediately bought more watches and quickly sold them at a nice profit by advertising in the St. Paul newspapers. Business boomed. Richard moved to Chicago to set himself up in the mail order business. Today, that business is big business, for that young man's full name was Richard W. Sears, the founder of Sears, Roebuck and Company.
Likewise, you can expand your success. People whom you have not yet met are quite willing to be persuaded by you. Do your part in contacting them with an attractive offer and they will do the rest.
There is really no limit to your possibilities of success with people. The obstacles are mainly mental. Clear your mind and you clear your way.
Vital Ideas For Your Review1. It is vital to health and happiness to have people in our lives who like our ways and who appreciate our company.
2. It is equally vital that our lives include people whom we can enjoy.
3. Use the Likeability List to build your powers of persuasion.
4. Always do the simple, obvious thing to win others.
Being fair-minded and considerate are examples of obviously effective methods.
5. Give people casual credit. Tell them they are doing just fine. They need to hear it. They like the person who tells them so.
6. It is not our duty in life to force others to change their ways. It is our pleasure to like them. If they need to change, to like them is the best way to change them.
7. Keep your private affairs to yourself.
8. Be someone special to someone. You are a special person when you are approachable and undemanding and dependable and reasonable.
9. Decide to expand your fortunes through contacts with new people.
10. Remember that there is no limit to your likeability. Everyone, without exception, possesses vast quantities of attractive traits of personality which can be released more and more.
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