Chapter - 06

How To Win Over The Opposite Sex

Recently at a social affair, seven or eight of us were off to one side of the main party discussing life in general. The topic of conversation eventually drifted around to male-female relationships. When one of the women discovered that I wrote books on the topic of human relations, she addressed herself to me somewhat cynically:

"You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I like men very much."

"Why not?" I asked.

She said, "Want to know something? Whenever a man takes me out for the evening I know just what he has on his mind."

"Want to know something?" I replied. "Every woman since Eve has known just what a man has on his mind. Furthermore, no emotionally healthy woman would have it any other way. It does so much for her feminine self-esteem. The very fact that you bring it up proves that. It also proves that you have the very same thing on your mind. Now that we've clarified your thinking, let's see if we can help with your problem."

Clear and realistic thinking by one sex toward the other is essential if their mutual persuasions are to return a mutual enrichmerit. For instance, there is no place for bitterness born of past experiences, for if it is carried over into a present relationship it will embitter that new one also. That, unfortunately, is often what happens, leaving both parties sorrowfully wondering what happened to their fun together.

Half the world is made up of the sex opposite your own, which is a pretty wonderful arrangement any way you look at it. That is why your program of people-persuasion should include an understanding of the opposite sex. A man limits his possibilities until he discovers the secrets of appealing to women. A woman misses the mark far too often unless she knows how to get around the men in her life.

The principles laid down in other chapters of this book are generally applicable to both men and women. For instance, all of us wish to advance ourselves economically; everyone has a need for fresh experiences; both men and women need to be liked and approved. These are general principles which can be used to win over either sex.

However, this chapter adventures into the specific relationship between a man and a woman. It should prove to be both an interesting and helpful investigation. A major portion of our happiness in life depends upon the successful handling of him or her.

A man must learn to persuade a woman by appealing to her feminine qualities.

A woman should master the art of influencing a man by employing man-winning methods.

This leads us to the stimulating question:

What Do You Think of the Opposite Sex?

It has been said that there is only one way to handle a woman, but the trouble is, nobody knows what it is.

We can go beyond that humorous idea to discover that effective methods for handling men and women really do exist.

A good deal of the success you will have in winning over the opposite sex will be determined by the attitudes you hold toward men and women. This means the real attitudes, the ones you hold in secret within yourself. As a matter of fact, attitudes are the single greatest areas where everyone can brighten his personality and thus sharpen his persuasiveness. Why are viewpoints so vital a part of male-female relations? Because our attitudes determine our behavior and also our speech and even our facial expressions. If our behavior is dull or negative, we lose; but if our actions are inspiring and attractive, we win. The outer self is always determined by the inner self. And the inner self consists largely of attitudes of one kind or another.

The winning attitude is the one we discussed in Chapter 3, that is, dealing with another person without labeling him as being "good" or "bad" or anything else. We are able to understand another only as we cease to judge or moralize or criticize him.

When we moralize against another we miss the point; we see him as we are, not as he is. Moreover, we must get our adopted ideas of what is "right" and "wrong" out of the way if we are to achieve our maximum powers of persuasion.
Couples who disagree with each other sometimes ask me to tell them which one is "right." I ask them to think of themselves as having different viewpoints, rather than "right" or "wrong" ones. This is non-judgmental (and kindly) thinking at its best.

Let's look into an example of how an attitude of understanding can establish and maintain smooth relations.

Supposing you have a loved one or perhaps a close friend who makes life difficult for you. Perhaps this person is somewhat unstable, alternating between fight and flight. Maybe he or she tends to be extremely sensitive, gets his feelings hurt easily. Maybe he has a habit of withdrawing in wounded pride after a disagreement. Such a person is bound to resist your efforts at kindly persuasion, he tends to be fixed and unyielding. No matter how patient you may be, you just can't get through to him.

What makes him like this? Why, you wonder, would anyone resist someone who wants to be nice to him? Why would anyone refuse to be loved?

Dr. Sidney M. Jourard sheds the light of understanding by pointing out:

It may seem surprising to the reader that some individuals find it hard, if not impossible, to accept love which is freely given by others; yet such is the case . . . When someone loves them, they become suspicious of the lover—the lover may be just pretending to love in order to disarm him and make him vulnerable. Or the lover may be trying to get the individual to do something. The person who cannot accept love may hold the false assumption that to accept love implies that one needs love, and to need love means one is weak.1

Because such a person has been hurt in past experiences with the opposite sex he tends to resist newly-offered love for fear of getting hurt again. Hostile people and withdrawn people are really hurt people. They desperately need someone who understands and treats them as such.

If you will understand just this much about a loved one, you will possess an attitude that can influence your relationship toward harmony and pleasure.

1 Sidney M. Jourard, Personal Adjustment (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1958). Reprinted by permission of the publisher.

Your Persuasive Words

Have you ever thought of your daily words as being attitudes? That is exactly what they are. The words we speak to others are extensions of the viewpoints and convictions we harbor within.

In Chapter 14 we will go into detail concerning the power of your words for influencing another, but now let's examine some examples of love-inspiring words. Nothing is more evident than that your daily words are unlimited forces for winning your way. Sometimes a carelessly spoken word can depress a friendly relationship, but another word gently whispered can restore peace to that relation. "Words are mighty; words are living." (Proctor) Try thinking of the phrases listed below as being spoken words rather than merely printed ones. When spoken in sincerity by a man to a woman, or vice versa, they become warmly penetrating forces. Find the correct time and circumstance and employ these persuasive words, gentle words, loving words, and most welcome words:

"I love you."

"You're one in a million."

"I like you."

"You delight me"

"I miss you."

"I'll wait for you"

"I need you."

"Tell me about yourself."

"You're exciting."

"I understand."

"You're nice."

"I want you."

"I've been thinking of you."

"I'll phone you."

"It's good just being with you."

You are a much kinder person than you may think you are. This is not flattery; this is a fact. Within every person are vast stores of natural affection. They may be hampered by confused attitudes or hidden by hurtful experiences of the past, but they are there and always will be there, ready for release upon call.

Remember that you win over the opposite sex when you:

1. Hold affirmative and kindly attitudes.

2. Express them freely and confidently.

Once a man or a woman discovers the real self, the genuinely kindly and loving self, a wonderful transformation takes place in their acts and attitudes toward the opposite sex. I am thinking of a couple who had the usual difficulties understanding each other, but who had at least the beginnings of mature and considerate attitudes toward each other.

One day when they dropped in for an informal chat, I asked them how things were going.

The woman replied, "Much better. Really."

"You know," the man added, "it's interesting how our outlooks toward each other have changed. What a difference."

"In what way?" I asked.

"Well, we used to get distressed because of the one or two little things that went wrong between us."

"And now?"

"Now we enjoy the hundred and one things that go right. We never really realized that for everything that went wrong between us, there were at least one hundred things that went right. That is what we now concentrate on—and enjoy."

Men: What You Should Know About Women!

No matter how much you may think you know about a woman, there just might be a few things she's kept to herself. That is why you might make some fresh discoveries in the following list. Here is your short course in feminine psychology. Use it to build the masculine charm that attracts feminine delight. You can always believe that:

1. She hopes you need her.

2. She likes you to he decisive in character.

3. She takes things very personally.

4. She is not really as confident as she acts.

5. She wants you to take care of her.

6. She sees through you more than you think.

7. She likes to dramatize things.

8. She can he understood by you.

9. She worries what people think of her.

10. She often resists in order to prove your persistence.

11. She awaits your tenderness.

12. She wants you to be smoothly aggressive.

13. She cannot take excessive criticism.

14. She sees ten times more than she tells.

15. She is more puzzled by life than appears.

16. She is really a pretty timid girl.

17. She can be persuaded by you.

18. She worries that life is passing her by.

19. She is suspicious of you and maybe with good reason.

20. She feels constantly insecure.

21. She wants you to prefer her above all others.

22. She is romantic-minded.

23. She is afraid of getting her feelings hurt.

24. She is often inconsistent in behavior.

25. She likes praise and compliments.

26. She often doubts that you love her.
27. She likes surprises from you.

28. She is often more emotional than logical.

29. She wants you to take the initiative.

30. She needs constant reassurance of your love.

31. She takes life more seriously than she wants.

32. She resists being ordered to do anything.

33. She is quite sensitive to disapproval.

34. She needs to talk things out.

35. She does not understand herself too well.

36. She can be rather subtle at times.

37. She is bothered by making decisions.

38. She tries sincerely to improve herself.

39. She welcomes your affections.

40. She has a lively interest in sex.

Point 12 points out, She wants you to be smoothly aggressive. Every man should remember and never, never forget:

A woman is never so disappointed in a man as when she expects him to act boldly toward her and he doesn't. She is usually wanting and hoping that he will be daring toward her, even though half the time she intends beforehand to turn him down. The man who gets places with his lady is the one who is so genuinely bold that he can approach her without the slightest concern whether or not she will turn him down. Quite often that is just the thing that wins her; she surprisingly yields to the nonchalant male who doesn't give a hoot whether she yields or not.

If you were to ask advice from the great lovers of all times, men like Casanova and Don Juan, they would enthusiastically agree: "Above all things that women respond to, nothing attracts and delights and wins them more than a man's sheer audacity."

Every man should remember that he is being both bold and persuasive when he offers verbal bouquets like those listed previously. He should not be afraid to be generously tender with his lady-love. Lots of men are much too hesitant. Writes Dr. Ernest Dichter, "A great many people do not give because they are afraid of seeing themselves as soft-hearted... we are ashamed to say, 'I love you.'" 2 The best way in the world to have someone tenderly speak those nice words to you is to have the freedom and courage to say them yourself first.

In point 30 we find that a woman needs to be constantly reminded and reassured of your devotion toward her. She wants to be shown that it's there. Telling her of your liking for her is one way to do it, for as Voltaire pointed out, "The ear is the avenue to the heart." The simple courtesy of paying attention to her problems and also to her enthusiasm is another. Treating her with patience and consideration are always wonder-working expressions of love. In more intimate relations, there are few things as convincing to a woman as those delightful expressions which we call hugs and kisses.

You can also show a woman how much she means to you by making her someone special:

Two soldiers marched off to war. When one of them returned he told his dream-girl, "Dear, I was lonely."

When the other marched home he sought out his sweetheart and whispered tenderly into her ear, "Dear, I was lonely for you."

2Ernest Dichter, The Strategy of Desire (New York: Doubleday and Company, Inc., I960).

That, in brief, is the difference between the amateur and the professional lady-persuader.

There is no display quite as wonderful as a display of affection. As we saw in a previous paragraph, some people, men especially, hesitate to openly display such emotions as fondness and tenderness. They mistakenly believe that such expressions indicate weakness. The exact opposite is true. It takes mature strength to be affectionate. Dr. Rollo May makes this clear when he writes "... tenderness goes along with strength: one can be gentle as he is strong..." 3

Affection is love unafraid to let itself be known.

Any man who doubts the persuasive power of kindly affection can have his doubts swept away by the first woman to whom he genuinely gives it!

Here is how Professor Ernest R. Groves encourages the development of this emotion:

In spite of the fact that affection is ordinarily a quiet emotion, it is one of the strongest and one that exalts the life. Affection encourages the sense of social well-being. It leads to trust, loyalty, and social confidence. It is powerful. . . . Affection, sympathy, and joy deserve positive encouragement. Their development brings on that enrichment of the inner life of the individual which attunes it to the agreeable and elevating experiences of life. The self that possesses them attracts the conditions that make for happiness.4

Why is it so essential that we show others that we like them? The plain fact is that most people have such an incredibly low opinion of themselves that they just can't see how anyone could possibly like them. Beneath their outer shells of gaiety and self-confidence lurks a dreadful discouragement toward the person they call "I."

People yearn to believe that you like them, but you as a wise persuader must constantly help them believe that you do. Show them. Make it a special point to show the lady in your life.

3 Rollo May, Ph.D., Man's Search for Himself (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, Inc., 1953).

4 Understanding Yourself, by Ernest R. Groves, Rev. 1949; copyright 1939, 1941 by Emerson Books, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the publishers.

Women: What You Can Believe About Men!

You can make yourself an influence over men. But first you need to know how they operate, you should have a grasp of what goes on in the male mind. Use the listed information as tools for persuading that man in your life — or for influencing the man you expect to come your way.

You can always believe that:

1. He wants you to depend upon him.

2. He appreciates your tolerance of his faults.

3. He enjoys a woman who can enjoy herself.

4. He is stubborn at times and knows it.

5. He wants you to be proud of him.

6. He is devoted to the woman who plays fair.

7. He is ambitious toward his career.

8. He often thinks you don't understand him.

9. He can be nicer than you sometimes think.

10. He appreciates your spontaneous kindness.

11. He would rather be comfortable than stylish.

12. He doesn't like to feel inferior.

13. He is more easily persuaded than you imagine.

14. He wants to be thought wise.

15. He often wonders why you act like that.

16. He worries about making mistakes.

17. He falls for sweetness in a woman.

18. He likes to lead the parade.

19. He is attracted to a cheerful woman.

20. He often thinks he is fooling you.

21. He likes a hint of mystery in you.

22. He is not always as confident as he appears.

23. He hopes you admire him.

24. He prefers to think himself as a great lover.

25. He is receptive to your tactful suggestions.

26. He wonders why you cry about it.

27. He can be pretty nice to have around after all.

28. He wants you to ask his opinion.

29. He wants you to meet him halfway.

30. He appreciates and needs your patience.

31. He likes a woman who likes him.

32. He sometimes conveniently exaggerates your faults.

33. He wonders why you never get to the point.

34. He is more bashful toward women than he admits.

35. He needs your subtle encouragement.

36. He doesn't want excessive demands made on him.

37. He needs times to relax from his pressures.

38. He admires grace in a woman.

39. He welcomes your gentleness.

40. He has a lively interest in sex.

Point 10, He appreciates your spontaneous kindness, is worthy of an interesting example:

At one time I drove over to a high school in Los Angeles where I had been invited to address one of the student clubs. The young man assigned to escort me to the auditorium was one of those cheerfully talkative boys who fortunately hadn't learned as yet to be shy with strangers. As we cut across the campus he enthused, "Mr. Howard, the nicest thing happened to me yesterday afternoon."

"Tell me about it," I encouraged.

"Well, when I left school I was feeling sort of depressed. I had just been handed lower grades than I expected on my report card. I was wandering toward home, sadly thinking about it, when I came to an intersection. I stopped, of course, to make sure it was safe to cross the street. As I stood there, a low, red convertible swung around the corner in front of me. Behind the wheel was a pretty girl with dark hair and red lips. Know what happened as she passed in front of me? She looked at me and gave me the sweetest, prettiest and kindest smile I have ever had. It was almost as if she had said, 'You're nice. I like you.' You know, Mr. Howard, I walked home in a grateful daze. What a surprise. What a wonderful woman. I'll never forget her. She smiled at me!"

That spontaneous woman, whoever she was, has exerted a lifelong influence upon that young man. All in the space of a few seconds. All because of her voluntary kindness. Just because she smiled. There was a charming woman.

In the intercourse of social life, it is by little acts of watchful kindness recurring daily and hourly, it is by words, by tones, by gestures, by looks, that affection is won and preserved. (G. A. Sala)

"The happiness of life may be greatly increased by small courtesies which manifest themselves by tender and affectionate looks, and little acts of attention." (Laurence Sterne)

Let's next look into point 25, He is receptive to your tactfully- given suggestions. You ladies might be surprised at how easily you can turn a man in your direction simply by the process of smooth suggestion. I want to tell you an interesting story from the pages of history, quite a remarkable one. It truly illustrates the point:

There was once a young Syrian girl named Iulia Domna. Iulia was a simple peasant girl, but she possessed a magic secret—she knew how a man's mind worked. That gave her a tremendous confidence in dealing with men. In fact, she had such faith in herself that one day she sat down and wrote a persuasive letter to a man. It was mailed not to just any man, but to one occupying the very top of the political world— Septimius Severus, the Roman ruler of France. What was in the note? First of all, a coy suggestion that she would make him a fine wife! Secondly, the spirited Iulia predicted that with her assistance he might rise to even taller stature in the political world.

Septimius was only human, and male human at that. The colossal confidence that this mere maiden had in him staggered his mind and delighted his heart. He did the only thing possible: He invited her to the palace to talk things over. That was all it took. They talked about his future. The charming Iulia again suggested that with her at his side he could expect further enrichments of his political fortunes. He took her at her word. Then—what else could he do?—he took her as his bride.

Time passed. Guess who became Emperor of Rome? That's right—Septimius Severus, the former governor. And guess who became the leading lady of the land? Yes, the former peasant girl who once wrote a tactfully-worded note!

Any woman can use the power of subtle suggestion as a means of elevating her position. She should use it. It can help advance both herself and the man in her life.

What Is Love?

I once attended a social affair where I and the other guests found ourselves fascinated by the wide varieties of candies set around the rooms. Wherever you went in the home or patio there were dishes filled with delicious chocolates, caramels, bonbons, taffy, butterscotch, and much more. I remarked to a friend that it made an unusually attractive display, then asked him how come. He nodded toward our host and replied, "He owns a candy company."

I'd like this to illustrate that, when all is said and done, the best attractions which any of us can have are our personal qualities, those we own within us. These are the natural confections that attract and appeal to all. If we want to influence others favorably — including the men and women in our lives — we must own and display those very qualities which we yearn for in others.

Foremost among our personal powers is that of love. It is one which we can all take responsibility for, to develop and display. When we do our part we need never fear that we will fail to attract and win those whom we need for a life that is both exciting and comforting. "Love is of all the stimulants the most powerful. It sharpens the wits ... it spurs the will... it intoxicates like wine." (A. H. Edwards)

What is love? Dr. Rollo May offers this definition:

We define love as a delight in the presence of the other person and an affirming of his value and development as much as one's own. Thus there are always two elements to love-that of the worth and good of the other person, and that of one's own joy and happiness in the relation with him.6

Why should we love?

Because there is no other way to live happily. Because the human heart always has needed and always will need all the love it can find.

Winning Points For This Chapter

1. You love another best when you understand him. Your understanding of that man or woman is the means by which you naturally influence love in return.

2. Build and maintain realistic attitudes toward the opposite sex. Do not permit an unhappy experience from a past relationship to harm a present one.

3. Have the courage to love and to be loved.

4. Employ the persuasive power of words. You find the other person most charming when you tell him that he is.

5. A man can delight his lady by being skillfully aggressive. Any student of love can please his girl by holding her hand, but it is the advanced lover who thrills her heart by giving that hand an occasional squeeze.

6. Men should remember and practice, "With all women, gentleness is the most persuasive and powerful argument." (Gautier)

5Rollo May, Ph.D., Mans Search for Himself (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, Inc., 1953).

7. A woman should never forget that a man is more easily influenced than she may think. Use the suggestions in this book to convince yourself.
8. Any woman who wants to appeal instantly to a man should simply enjoy herself with him. This makes him feel that he is nice to have around —which he may well be.

9. "Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections as leaves are to the life of a tree." (Nathaniel Hawthorne)

10. Love is the greatest influence of all... with all... for all.

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