Chapter - 08

Clever Steps For Getting Around Difficult People

As we all know from experience, there are some difficult and unreasonable people in this world. But we should also know at once that the clever commander can really quite easily turn them into allies and friends and customers.

The first thing to do is to abandon any negative attitudes we may have toward problem-people. Always consider them as interesting challenges to your powers of persuasion, never as people to be disliked or avoided.

Just before the invasion of Sicily by the Allied armies in World War II, the commanders in charge of the operation faced a serious problem in the weather. The skies and seas were stormy. And it could get worse. The commanders knew it was going to be a tough enough task to beat back the enemy troops once they met them on the fortified beaches—to have to first fight their way through the raging seas doubled the difficulty.

Yet the plunge had to be made. There was a war to win. The commanders realized that there was nothing they could do about the weather itself, but something could be done with their viewpoint toward it. So that is what they changed. They make up their minds to turn the seeming problem into an active force in their behalf. Reasoning that the enemy would not expect an attack during the storm, the Allies lunged toward Sicily. The enemy troops rolled back in shock and eventual defeat. Sicily was won.

Likewise, you can work with people who have stormy or difficult natures and win them over. So from now on, take the attitude that they are seemingly difficult to persuade or to help. This fresh viewpoint plunges you into the right kind of action that wins the day.

Also, we should realize from the very start that no man or woman ever really wants to be difficult or unkind or hostile. He acts that way because he knows no better way to act. He is a problem to others because he is first of all a problem to himself. He is a person of painful contradictions, for while he knows that his hostility is self-destructive he just doesn't know how to free himself from himself. The problem-person does not know that it really is possible to live a happy life. Finally, the difficult person suffers plenty of pain from his confusion; you can be sure of that.

The fact that no man really wants to be a difficult person is high tribute to the basic goodness within him, but which he is unable to find. If you ever want to restore your faith in human nature, just remember that every person earnestly desires to be better than he is. He just doesn't know what to do or where to turn or how to proceed.

So-called difficult people are pretty much like the rest of us: they want to be wanted. They like your appreciation and your patience. They hope for your understanding. They have an even greater need for these things, and that is why you have more of an opportunity for persuading and helping them.

I am thinking of a man who is now an officer with a large chain of supermarkets. It took him about one-half the usual time to advance from clerical duties to his own private office. He owes his success to his unusual ability in persuading difficult people to become non-difficult. Whenever an irate shopper complains of injury incurred on company property he knows how to smooth things over. If an employee comes to him with a pressing personal problem he comes up with the right answers.

In other words, this man has made unusual progress in his career because of his unusual ability to handle people with severe problems. He knows that they require special handling. He also knows that the more difficult a person makes himself the more easily you can win him over — providing you handle him skillfully.

Take the individual with an extremely suspicious mind. Offhand you would think that his suspiciousness prevents him from being influenced by anyone. The exact opposite is the truth. He is much more easily persuaded than you might imagine, for this type of person believes almost everything; his suspicion is a sort of negative faith.

Your bold and confident approach will win over this kind of person. Not having too much judgment of his own, not knowing what to really believe, he willingly accepts the conclusions of someone with lots of confidence and decisiveness. He wants to be persuaded, so give him what he needs. He will not only come your way but thank you for it.

How to Win Over a Frightened Person

Every time you set out to persuade a man to your way of thinking you must take into account the enormously powerful emotion of fear. Why? Because the vast majority of people are influenced, to one extent or another, by their fears. This they don't like. If you will become a counter-influence you will be a highly welcome person wherever you go. An entire program for mastering and commanding people could be based on this idea alone. Because people are afraid they yearn constantly for relief from that painful emotion.

Remember that fear and hostility go hand-in-hand. A man who is frightened is apt to be angry and self-defensive. Also remember that you must never take his hostility personally; he is not really attacking you, he is simply releasing his pressures on a handy individual.

Fear reveals itself in lots of ways. The critical person often attempts to cover his own fear of criticism by being the first to strike. The man who can't make up his mind is influenced by the fear of making a mistake in judgment. The woman who keeps telling you how many men are chasing after her is sounding her alarm at being chased by none. The so-called lazy person may be so haunted by the fear of failure that he won't even try to succeed. The person who is constantly indignant at the morals of others is giving away his fearful envy of not having as good a time as those who shock him.

When dealing with any kind of a difficult person, always assume that he is afraid of something, for he is. He may call it by a noble name; for instance, a customer may tell you that he is a wise buyer who likes to consider all the angles before deciding, but it is your duty as an expert in human nature to realize that his hesitation is really due to some worry he has about your product. Knowing this you can assure him that your product is really a time-saver or that it will definitely pay for itself within a few days or that it will certainly simplify his work.

A person whom you are trying to influence will rarely come right out and admit to you that he is afraid of this or that. It is typical of human nature that none of us like to admit our timidities to ourselves, much less to another. You should try to identify the other person's particular uncertainty, tactfully, of course. Probe around, make it easy for him to come out with his objections. Sometimes it is enough to ask casually if there is some point which he would like cleared up. This often gives him encouragement enough to come out with his hidden timidity or problem. You can take it from there.

How can you free your man of his anxieties? That is what you need to find out. In many cases it is best not to try and sell your product or program itself, but show him how its use will free him from some underlying anxiety. Once this is done, the sale is assured. Notice how freedom-from-fear is offered by the advertisers: Put our safe tires on your car and you need never worry about a blow-out. Eat our low-calorie foods and rest assured you won't gain weight. Buy our insurance and relieve your mind of financial stress.

So show the other man how your program will relieve his mind. Let him breathe easier. Promise and deliver freedom. Release him from his inner anxieties. Do this and you do him a favor he will remember.

Check-List of Major Fears

Let's next go through a list of some of the commonplace anxieties and worries. By clearly identifying them we become more skilled in helping others.

People are afraid of:

1. being rejected and unwanted.

2. the new and the unknown.

3. inability to break unwanted habits.

4. losing a loved one.

5. criticism and disapproval.

6. boredom.

7. financial insecurity.

8. appearing foolish.

9. failing to attract others.

10. effort without reward.

11. loneliness.

12. being cheated out of a full life.

13. not living up to expectations.

14. loss of any kind.

15. invasion of privacy.

16. heartache and of getting hurt.

17. being taken advantage of.

18. personal passions and feelings.

19. weakness and inadequacy.

20. losing out in love and sex.

Let's go into a few details on points 5,10,15, 20: Active in every man is the dread of criticism and disapproval.

If he interprets your efforts at persuasion as an attack upon his present way of doing things, he is bound to stubbornly resist you. You can get around him by completely ignoring his present inadequate action and by showing him how its opposite — a positive action — will enrich him. A sales-manager called a meeting for the purpose of turning his salesmen's energies into more constructive channels, for some of them were wasting too much time in trivial paper-work. He started out by complimenting their devotion to detail, then suggested they detail their plans for expanded action in the field. The salesmen were not even aware that they were being persuaded to strengthen their work habits. That sales-manager won them completely by side-stepping their sensitivity to direct criticism.

Look at point 10: Most people have done so many things without getting something from their efforts that they are a bit skeptical of tackling new plans that may be suggested to them. This means that you should keep your man excited over the forthcoming rewards he can expect from his cooperation. Convince him that his investment will return a clear-cut profit — perhaps financially, maybe in increased popularity, perhaps in an improved personal appearance. Impress him with his need for doing something today in order to possess a superior tomorrow.

The story is told about an expedition struggling upward toward one of the unconquered peaks in the Swiss Alps. Halfway up the men began to doubt that their strenuous efforts would pay off. The more they thought about it the more reluctant they were to follow their captain's orders. But their leader was something of a psychologist as well as a mountaineer. He held a hand toward the towering peak while declaring, "Look where you'll be. On top of the world!" By repeating that persuasive promise, he convinced his men of the glory that awaited them on top of the mountain. That was enough to spur them upward to final conquest.

Let's see what we have in point 15: Everyone has his private life and his secret thoughts which he wants to keep from prying eyes. That is his right; privacy is a basic human need. No matter how much you know about the other person, don't let him know that you know. He is not going to thank you for violating his private world. As that wise Frenchman La Rochefoucauld once wrote, "We love to see through others, but we dislike being seen through." Whenever you are trying to talk another into going your way, do not accuse him of being afraid or timid or weak. He may actually be that way, but your business is to keep it to yourself while working at reducing his fears. La Rochefoucauld again remarks, "It is exceedingly clever to know how to hide your cleverness."

In point 20 we see an emotion which constantly and anxiously paces back and forth within people: the fear of losing out in love and sex. Everyone wants to be loved and almost everyone doubts that he is. Typical of this deep yearning are the touching lines from a French drama in which the heroine appeals to her paramour, "Please tell me that you love me. It doesn't have to be true; you don't have to mean it. I just want to hear you say that you love me."

This whole book could be summed up by saying that the most influential force on earth is that of love: love in the form of tenderness and of affection; love as patience and as the willingness to take another's unkindness without bitterness; love as permitting one to be difficult or unreasonable because you understand that he or she knows no other way.

Love is still the incredible force that conquers all, including fear. "It is a wonderful subduer — this need of love, this hunger of the heart." (George Eliot)

Here are the three main ideas to remember from preceding pages:

1. Think of difficult people as frightened and anxious people, for that is what they really are. The more of a problem they present to you the more anxiety they possess — and hence the greater their need for your calm reassurance and patient assistance.

2. You can turn a man's stubbornness into cooperation by lowering his level of fear. Whatever you are trying to sell or put across, this system works for you. At what point does a person say yes to your ideas? It is really quite simple. He goes along with you when he is no longer dominated by a fear of the consequences of his agreement.

3. Remember that unreasonable people are not as hopeless as they appear to be. They are like messages written with secret ink — warm them up a bit and they shine through, especially for you. Listen to these cheering words from a noted authority on human behavior, Dr. Karen Horney:

My own belief is that man has the capacity as well as the desire to develop his potentialities and become a decent human being ... I believe that man can change and go on changing .. ,1

Quick Methods for Handling Negative People

You are about to be assisted by going through a list of 30 commonplace moods and attitudes. They are the kind that you run into frequently when dealing with other people, and they are more or less negative in character. Each listed mood is followed by a swift system for handling the other person and for helping yourself. Use this list constantly; don't hesitate to employ repeatedly the offered systems in your daily contacts at work or in the home or wherever you meet people.

Most importantly — and never forget this — you can always use the other person's very negativity as a lever for tilting him in your direction.

1 Karen Homey, M.D., Our Inner Conflicts (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, Inc., 1945).

When the other person is:

1. Quarrelsome: Let him quarrel while you calmly figure out a way to get what you want.

2. Silent: Draw him out with questions. Find out what is on his mind, then take it from there.

3. Timid: Take the initiative in assuring him of your good will and helpfulness.

4. Burdensome: Don't permit others to constantly unload all their troubles on you. You were not placed here to save the world.

5. Boastful: He needs reassurance of his own self-worth. Build it wherever possible.

6. Threatening: Quietly refuse to accept his threatening attitude as an actual threat. Another's threat has no power to hurt you unless you think it does.

7. Unenthusiastic: Let your own enthusiasm fire him up. Everyone responds to enthusiasm because everyone really wants more of it.

8. Prying: Insist upon keeping your private life private.

9. Domineering: Listen to what he tells you to do. Find a way to do what you want to do.

10. Weak: Show consideration but not prolonged sympathy, for that encourages weakness. You are kindest to a weak person when you help him to be strong.

11. Boring: Ask yourself why you ever got mixed up with him in the first place.

12. Inefficient: Parade the rewards of efficiency before him. That will make him want to sharpen himself.

13. Hateful: Feel sorry that he is not as happy as you are. Hatred and happiness never go around together.

14. Critical: Congratulate yourself. The man who constantly criticizes you is telling you how important you are to him. You have his attention and respect.

15. Self-righteous: Take a deep sigh and hope that some day he may be honest enough to enjoy being as faulty as everyone else.

16. Frightened: Help him to face squarely the event, idea, or situation which frightens him. Fear exists only when there is a turning away from the feared thing. You cannot fear reality, you can fear only what you wrongly think is real.

17. Hesitant: Act with confidence and authority. He needs a strong person to throw off his doubts.

18. Demanding: First, calmly tell him that you can do just so much and no more. Second, do all you reasonably can and make not the slightest attempt to do more.

19. Worried: Point out to him that his problems need not be permanent — not if he takes the proper attitude that they need not be permanent.

20. Touchy: Treat him tactfully, but under no circumstances permit a touchy person to intimidate you. Intimidation is his subtle and childish weapon which you must absolutely refuse to tolerate.

21. Stubborn: Don't try to force him to your way by a frontal attack. Be wise, be smooth, be clever.

22. Impractical: Prove to him that his way of doing things is not getting him the results he really wants. Point out that right actions always produce right results.

23. Bitter: Let him be bitter because he doesn't have what he wants. You go out and daringly get what you want.

24. Unreasonable: Be strong enough not to return his unreasonableness. He may not admit it, but he will admire it.

25. Confused: Tell him that the way out of confusion need not be a sad task but a light-hearted and interesting adventure. It can be if he will simply let it be.

26. Insolent: Be patient but make it ever so clear that he is not to mistake your patience for weakness.

27. Gloomy: Tell him that he can live that way if he wants to, but it's not for you. Remind him that cheeriness is man's natural state.

28. Irresponsible: Refuse to take on the duties that belong to another. It is not noble to help those who won't help themselves; it is a sheer loss to both of you.
 
29. Angry: Detach your emotions from him. Cleverly set your calm mind at work to winning your way.

30. Unkind: Look at him and wonder why he tortures him self so.

What to Do When Things Go Wrong

If nothing ever goes wrong in your dealings with people, or if you never run into awkward social situations, then you will not need to read this section. But if you think there are areas where you can sharpen your persuasiveness — especially with problem-people — then we can explore together some punchy pointers for expanding your successes.

Whenever a tough challenge arises, or whenever your persuasion-programs are not speeding ahead as rapidly as you wish, employ the following principles:

1. ALWAYS STICK TO WHAT YOU WANT FROM A PROBLEM-PERSON, WHILE IGNORING THE WAY HE BEHAVES

Don't permit your personal feelings toward a difficult person to throw you off the track. Make up your mind that the only important thing is winning your way. Personal feelings like pride, indignation, impatience, and touchiness have absolutely no place in your efforts at persuading another. What we are saying is that you should never permit another's unpleasantness or stubbornness to weaken your purpose. You want something from someone? Good. Go after that and go after that exclusively. This sort of fixed determination is what gave greatness to George Washington. During the American Revolution he was often surrounded by obstinate and wearisome people. He was wise enough to ignore their negative personalities in order to draw upon their knowledge and experience. That wise character trait helped Washington achieve his goal of American independence.

2. CONSTANTLY STUDY THE PROBLEM-PERSON

One of the simplest forces for building your personal power is that of an observing attitude toward those who make things hard. Never resent them; always use them. Carefully study their behavior; it teaches you so much: The ignorant man teaches you the value of knowledge; the opinionated person proves to you the need for an open mind; the withdrawn individual makes clear the need for a daring and outgoing personality. Whenever you see a negative character trait in another, let it spur you toward its opposite.

Another reason why you should not resent thorny people is because they tend to be the most loyal of all once you convert them to your cause. Because they are often rejected or ignored by so many others they stick like glue to the person who accepts and likes them. And this is as good a place as any to repeat one of those oh-so-simple-and-yet-so-profound truths about persuasion: To influence anyone at all, first do your part toward influencing him to like you. Quite often that is all you have to do. Everyone likes to do things for people who like them. That is why the pointers in Chapter 5 are worth gold to you.

3. YOUR TACT WILL WIN YOUR OBJECTIVE

The boss watched his secretary run into the office and throw off her coat. Rushing to the typewriter, she flopped down to pound away furiously. The boss glanced at his watch, then smiled kindly as he spoke to her, "Congratulations, Miss Miller; this is the earliest you've been late."

That is a humorous introduction to that golden quality we call tact. If you have never thought of tactfulness as an instrument of persuasion, start doing so now. Whether you call it tact or diplomacy or politeness or social skill, you need it if you want others to enjoy being led by you. As familiar as it is, tact is often overlooked as a method for mastering people. Perhaps that's because it operates quietly unnoticed — and that is its secret of success.

Tact is a perfect example of a secret passage which we read about in Chapter 2. It wins over the other person before he knows what is going on—and when he does discover how you've won him, he likes it.

When dealing with a difficult person, perhaps one who is angry or childish, try to make him see what his unreasonable attitude is costing him. Gently point out his loss in money or in popularity or in happiness or whatever else it might be. At the time he may pretend he doesn't care, but you can be sure that his natural self-interest will make him think twice. As we saw in earlier pages, if there is anything a human being dislikes, it is the missing out on something he could have had. With a dash of tact you can keep his childish pride at a minimum and his desire for self-gain at maximum.

Talent is something, but tact is everything. It is the interpreter of all riddles, the surmounter of all difficulties, the remover of all obstacles. (W. P. Sargill)

Your Clever Steps in Review

1. Always think of a problem-person as an exciting challenge to your powers of persuasion. Every time you win one of them you strengthen yourself.

2. Remember that the difficult man or woman has a deep need for your patience and understanding and kindness. Supply these and you help him to help himself.

3. Bear in mind that fear is a constantly experienced emotion. Find ways to reduce the other person's anxieties.

4. You will never find a surer way to influence another person than to like him and let him know that you do.

5. The other person will give the nod to your program when he is no longer afraid of the consequences of his agreement.

6. Constantly employ the 30 quick methods for handling negative people.

7. When dealing with a hostile or unpleasant person, go after what you want and forget your own prides and sensitivities.

8. Never resent those who make it hard on you. Study them. They are living lessons in how not to live.

9. Don't strain yourself in trying to get along with unreasonable people. Your first duty is to keep your own peace of mind.

10. Practice tact. It is the smooth bullet that hits the target.

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