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| Chapter - 11 |
| Your Personality Can Make You |
Powerfully Persuasive
A man doesn't fail in life because he has certain weaknesses; he fails because he doesn't possess certain strengths.
One of those major strengths which guarantee a man's fortunes is a persuasive personality. That is the magical magnet that effortlessly draws to a man his social success and his financial prosperity and everything else he desires from life. As a typical illustration, a recent newspaper story told of a salesman who called for the first time upon the chief executive of a large department store. So impressed was the executive by the salesman's attractive personality that he not only placed a large order for the salesman's products but offered his visitor a topnotch position with the store.
There exist a surprising number of false notions concerning human personality. One of the most damaging of these mistaken attitudes is that a person is hopelessly stuck with whatever mediocrity he happens to find himself with. That is nothing but a myth, and one which we will expose in this chapter.
Typical of another attitude which needs drastic revision was the one expressed by a woman who told me:
"I would like nothing better than to have a more attractive and more poised personality, but I don't seem to possess the inner resources. If I could only believe that I have something worth developing I know I could go on from there to success of some sort. But I feel so inwardly empty, so powerless."
I asked her, "Haven't you noticed the dozens of urges you have?"
"Like what?"
"Like wanting to speak up at a meeting, rather than remaining silent. Like the desire to become a nicer person. Like coming right out and telling yourself what you really want out of life."
She laughed, "Don't forget my urge to kick off my tight shoes—company or no company."
"Notice these urges. They are evidences of your other self wanting to break through. For one reason or another you have hidden them. But these constant desires to do something different indicate that you do have inner resources of personality-power. All they need is release. You are the one who can release them."
Everyone possesses inner urges which can be released in the service of a brighter self. Later in this chapter you will be shown a way to free your forceful personality.
There is really nothing mysterious about it. When you come right down to the facts, personality is nothing more or less than the way you habitually think and act toward others. Act pleasantly and people will credit you with a pleasant personality; move with energy and enthusiasm and others will think of you as a lively individual; think with decisiveness and self-command and people are certain to respect you as a person of considerable strength. Your personality consists of what you do and what you don't do, in what you say and how you say it, in your over-all manner when you are with others.
How important is a winning personality? Here is the supreme value placed upon it by Professor H. A. Overstreet:
As individuals, our chief task in life is to make our personality, and what our personality has to offer, effective in our particular environment of human beings.1
The Commander and the CommandedThere are two types of personalities in the world:
There is the Commander.
And there is the Commanded.
The Commander is the type who has no trouble influencing people and conditions to his liking. Not only that but his personality is in constant demand. People constantly seek him out. There just aren't enough of his kind to go around. People need the leader who can show them what to do and how to do it and make them like it better and better. Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson are fine historical examples of the Commander type of personality.
1H. A. Overstreet, Influencing Human Behavior (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, Inc., 1925).
What about the Commanded individual? One thing about him is certain: His people-persuading powers hover around the zero mark. Moreover, to his special distress, he has but slight influence over himself. The words and acts and attitudes of other people push him this way and that. As you can imagine, he is not exactly bombarded by success of any kind.
You can choose to be either kind of personality.
You can be the Commander.
Or you can be the Commanded.
I don't think you will hesitate between those choices.
No one is completely one or the other. Most people hit a balancing blend of both types of personalities. However, the aim of this chapter is to multiply those superior powers of which you are actually capable. In order to do this, we are first going to look at extreme examples of both kinds of personalities. We need to see how they act; also, we will benefit by gaining insight into their attitudes and their emotional patterns. Our knowledge of them serves as a window through which we can see just what we must do and what we must avoid doing.
As you read these traits and attitudes you may find yourself responding to some of them. You might reflect, "Yes, that's the way I sometimes feel." This is a good thing, for it means that you are storing up self-knowledge. Any truth which you discover about your personality — favorable or unfavorable — is a truth that sets you free from negativity.
First let's look at a person who is pretty much in the camp of the Commanded:
He personalizes things too much, hence his feelings are hurt at the slightest hint of criticism or disapproval.
HE IS ALWAYS DOING THINGS HE REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO DO, JUST SO PEOPLE WILL LIKE HIM.
Our man is considerably confused; he never quite knows what to do next.
HE WRONGLY CONCLUDES THAT IT IS HIS INTELLIGENCE WHICH IS AT FAULT, WHEN IN TRUTH IT IS HIS INHIBITED PERSONALITY.
He wonders what people think of him and usually concludes the worst.
OUR MAN IS MUCH TOO SERIOUS. HE MISTAKENLY THINKS THAT SERIOUSNESS IS THE SAME THING AS EARNESTNESS, WHICH IT ISN’T.
He thinks that happy people are too shallow to realize how grim and troublesome life actually is.
HE IS FOREVER WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO COME FROM THE OUTSIDE TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD ON THE INSIDE.
Whenever he feels like doing something adventurous, he first has to find out whether someone else did it without getting hurt.
HE DOESN'T LIKE HIMSELF TOO WELL BUT HE HONESTLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.
It is other people who determine his emotions. Their action automatically triggers his reaction of joy or depression or whatever. He doesn't realize that he can actually determine the kind of feelings he wants to feel.
HE OFTEN BELIEVES THAT HE GIVES MORE THAN HE GETS AND SECRETLY RESENTS IT.
He is hounded by his fears and mistakenly believes that there is no other way to live.
THE COMMANDED MAN IS CONTINUALLY SURPRISED TO FIND THAT HIS PLANS FOR SELF-ADVANCEMENT SELDOM WORK. HE HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES — AGAIN.
He is a slave to the unfavorable influences of other people and is bound by unhappy circumstances and is snarled by his very own negative thinking habits.
Happily, there is no need whatsoever for him to remain in his inferior condition. Every Commanded personality has the inner abilities to turn himself into a Commander.
Now let's see what goes on in the life of the commanding type of personality:
Whenever he wants something, he goes directly after it, and never minds who says he cant or shouldn't.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO FIGHT TO CONTROL RESENTMENT AND HOSTILITY; HE IS PRETTY MUCH FREE OF THEM.
He may occasionally feel a bit timid about doing something adventurous for the first time, but that is the very last thing that prevents him from going ahead anyway.
THE COMMANDER POSSESSES TREMENDOUS ENERGY BECAUSE HE NEVER PERMITS PEOPLE OR CIRCUMSTANCES TO DRAIN HIM.
He takes immediate charge of circumstances, whatever they might be, and turns them into what he wants them to be.
PEOPLE LIKE TO BE AROUND HIM BECAUSE THEY RECOGNIZE AND ADMIRE HIS INNER STRENGTH.
He knows that no one can insult him or hurt him without his permission. He never grants it.
THE SPONTANEITY AND UNEXPECTEDNESS OF HIS PERSONALITY DELIGHT EVERYONE.
He is able to like people fully and freely, for the simple reason that there is no psychological confusion in him that makes it necessary for him to dislike people.
BECAUSE HE IS HIS NATURALLY UNPRETENTIOUS SELF, HE NEVER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING FOUND OUT.
When he asks others to do something, they do it willingly and happily. His winning personality makes others want to go along with him.
HE HAS LITTLE HESITATION IN DOING WHAT HE REALLY WANTS
TO DO AND EVEN LESS HESITATION IN NOT DOING WHAT HE REALLY DOES NOT WANT TO DO.
He knows that life can be taken seriously, but that that need not mean taking it gloomily or sourly or unhappily.
THE COMMANDER IS TOO BUSILY ATTRACTING FAVORABLE RESPONSES FROM PEOPLE TO WONDER MUCH ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK OF HIM.
Robert Louis Stevenson, beloved author of Treasure Island, possessed the personality of a Commander. His biographers agree that he was not only a literary genius but a wholly charming gentleman and friend. Stevenson had that magic touch which turned all whom he met into admirers, men and women alike. His philosophy for self-improvement might be summed up like this:
"Never be satisfied by your performances, yet never be cast down by them. Just educate yourself continually as you go along. Results will take care of themselves in a delightfully surprising way."
You couldn't find a simpler philosophy for growing more attractive. No one who really practiced it could ever fail to present a more appealing personality.
How to Release Your Personality PowerA bright and persuasive personality emerges when a man frees himself from his false self. This false self consists of timidities and inhibitions which were picked up somewhere along the road. It is made up of ideas and attitudes and beliefs that have never worked and never will. The false self is acquired; we never had it as children, and that is why young folks are far more emotionally honest than adults and also why you don't have to give sleeping pills to your son or daughter. Society has not yet taught them to deceive themselves about what they want from life, therefore, they are not in night-time conflict between the real and the false selves.
Underneath a man's acquired personality is the real person who is rich in happiness and forceful in natural influence. This is not some psychological theory or merely a comforting thought; it is a fact which any earnest individual can discover for himself. Here is what Dr. Harry Emerson Fosdick has to say about it: "We possess by nature the factors out of which personality can be made, and to organize them into effective personal life is every man's primary responsibility."2
You can develop your genuine and far-more-attractive personality by steadily disengaging yourself from mistaken notions toward life and people.
2 Harry Emerson Fosdick, On Being a Real Person (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1943).
There is no principle of life more simple nor more accurate than this: If you do the right things you will get right results. Now, there is a variation of that rule which is just as effective but frequently overlooked by those in search of personal freedom. That variation is: If you will stop doing the wrong things you will stop getting wrong results. Listed below you find some of those acts and attitudes that should be disengaged from a man's life. Free yourself from them and your personality-power surges forward abundantly:
1. Never hesitate to shed unprofitable programs.
2. Don't think it is up to you to save the world.
3. Permit no one to tell you what you want from life.
4. Don't condemn yourself for being you.
5. Don't feel guilty over a loved one's mistakes.
6. Never agree to an unfair relationship.
7. Don't let domineering people bluff you.
8. Don't joke with people who won't get the point.
9. Never hesitate to employ new methods of persuasion.
10. Don't believe anyone has power to trap you.
11. Ignore advice given by confused friends.
12. Don't believe that gentleness is weakness.
13. Don't give in to excessive demands upon your energy.
14. Don't pre-plan your social acts and attitudes.
15. Don't be afraid to love the lovable.
16. Never hesitate to declare your purposes to yourself.
17. Don't think you have to explain yourself to others.
18. Never believe that circumstances are unchangeable.
19. Don't allow another's distress to upset you.
20. Don't underestimate your ability to sway others.
Let's go into detail with point 14: Don't pre-plan your social acts and attitudes.
Carefully watch yourself the next time you enter a room filled with people. If you are earnestly observant you will find yourself hurriedly reviewing just what you will say and how you will act. We all do this to some extent or other, though we are rarely aware of it. We even adopt the facial expression which we think suitable for the occasion. We do this of course because we quite naturally want to make the best possible impression.
The trouble with these pre-planned attitudes is that they rob our personalities of their ability to do the unexpected or the delightful thing that attracts people to us. It is the suddenly surprising person who catches our interest. Have you noticed that you can just about predict what some people are going to say and do? Also notice that while such folks may be perfectly pleasant, they are also somewhat dull.
3 A. H. Maslow, Motivation and Personality (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1954).
Make this experiment: The next several times you meet people, enter the relationship with no pre-planned ideas of how you should act. Empty your mind of all urges to say a certain thing or to act out a particular mannerism. Make no pre-deter-minations of any kind of impression to make. Enter the room as if you don't give a hoot whether or not you make a good impression. Be careless. Be indifferent. "One must learn to drop inhibitions, self-consciousness ... and dignity." 3
What will happen? For one thing you need not fear that you will say the wrong thing. Your resourceful mind is much too sharp for that. It will think of something, and if left to its own originalities you will come up with something far more clever or kindly or surprising or persuasive than you ever thought possible. You will experience genuine self-expression. Your true personality will be in action.
This exercise frees your personality from those old and repetitious actions which block spontaneity. Have you ever thought of just the right thing to say — but only when it was too late to do so? Well, this technique enables you to say just the right thing at just the right time! As an example, I was recently standing with a group of people when a husband approached and slipped his arm around his wife's waist. Someone grinningly remarked to him, "You seem to like what you've found." The husband's enthusiastic and wholly charming reply was, "Yes, and if no one claims her in thirty days I get to keep her!"
Don't pre-plan your acts and attitudes. If you will practice this method, really practice, you will see delightful things happening to your personality. It works. It works for you. Work with it.
Make Yourself ComfortableYou probably remember reading the classic story entitled Gulliver's Travels. This exciting and imaginative book was penned back in 1726 by Jonathan Swift, considered one of the most brilliant authors ever to write in the English language.
Here is how the plot unfolds:
Gulliver sets sail from England with his destination as the South Seas. A furious storm strikes the ship, driving it off course and into strange waters. The violent winds pick up Gulliver and toss him into the churning sea. While floundering around he sights a mysterious little island in the distance. Using all his strength he manages to swim to shore.
While stretched out and sleeping in exhaustion he is discovered by the little people of the island—the island of Lilliput. Because the Lilliputians are no larger than Gulliver's thumb, they are alarmed at the size and power of the sleeping giant. They swiftly bind him with ropes and stakes. With the aid of 1500 tiny horses—each about four and one-half inches high— they manage to drag their gigantic prisoner to the city where the Emperor of Lilliput awaits.
What is to be done with this Living Mountain? That is the perplexing question faced by the anxious Lilliputians. Unchain him and he might angrily destroy them. Even to permit him to walk around might be dangerous; a few careless steps would crush their homes and orchards.
In other words, the tiny people feared Gulliver's enormous power. Because of this fear, there was neither friendship nor cooperation between them.
But Gulliver? He knew how to promptly persuade perplexed people. He took care not to frighten them with sudden movements as they stood close to him. His pistols and sword were set aside. He assured them of his peaceful intentions. And in his own words, "The natives came by degrees to be less apprehensive of any danger from me. I would sometimes lie down, and let five or six of them dance on my hand. And at last the boys and girls would venture to come and play hide and seek in my hair."
Once the Lilliputians were assured of Gulliver's friendly intentions, they welcomed him as their honored guest.
Here is the vital point we want to make from this story: At the same time that people admire the powerful personality they also tend to be somewhat timid toward him. Because they do not have too much confidence and forthrightness of their own, they do not understand those qualities in another.
If you want to attract and influence people, make it your plan to not only build a strong personality but a comfortable one. Let people feel at ease with you. You could take this simple pointer and by working steadily with it you could enormously enrich all your relations with people. You would have more friends and customers and helpers than you would know how to handle. Really.
A comfortable personality is a powerful personality.
In previous pages we have examined human nature to find that people are, in general, more or less timid and apprehensive. They are anxious over the future. They regret the past. They worry over their children and their finances and their place in life. They are jittery. In other words, they are uncomfortable.
People need and need desperately the strong person who can put them at ease. They would give almost anything to find someone who doesn't add to their already heavy burden. They hope to find someone who is strong but who does not frighten them with his strength. "No one loves the man whom he fears." (Aristotle)
As a matter of fact, one of the rarest and most precious of human powers is the ability to remove some of the pressures of everyday living. How can you develop this power for yourself? Largely by practicing a variation of the Golden Rule:
Don't do unto others what they habitually do unto you. This means that we should:
Not expect too much of others.
Not harp on our own troubles endlessly.
Not have critical attitudes toward another.
Not be domineering.
Not ask personal questions.
Not talk depressingly.
Not be unapproachable.
Not put others on the spot.
Not express shock or dismay toward anyone.
Not forget to make ourselves pleasant to be around.
It is important that we become aware of those little things — they are usually little things —which disturb others. The best way to do this is to become alertly aware of the things that make you uncomfortable. Notice, for instance, that you prefer that your companions do not talk gloomily or critically.
Get the habit of asking yourself, "Let's see now; how am I affecting this person I am with? Does he appear to be comfortable with me? Am I conversing on a subject of mutual interest? Am I avoiding a critical attitude? Exactly what sort of impression am I making?"
This sort of self-inquiry leads to increased self-awareness, which, in turn, makes you a more comfortable person. That is what your friends want you to be. That is what they like in you.
Moreover, the comfortable personality is one who helps to relieve others of the thousand and one anxieties that fill their daily lives. If you will learn the secret of reducing the tensions of other people you will be an outstanding personality — and a persuasive one. The reduction of anxiety is a major factor in influencing people. Individuals tend to move from an old to a new position whenever a restraining anxiety has been removed. For instance, if you are selling a product or a service to someone, you can not only show him how he will gain by it but also why he will not suffer any kind of a loss by going ahead. Prove to him that he is not losing his money, but investing it. Make it clear that he will not suffer loss of his individuality by going along with you; he is really showing good judgment.
Entertainers, such as singers, musicians, and comedians are experts in the art-of-persuasion-through-reduction of-anxiety. Comedians are well aware that audiences laugh whenever their inner tensions are relieved. Here is a typical comedy stunt which will help you to remember the power of this technique:
The comedian walks onstage carefully balancing a tray upon which is precariously balanced a dozen pyramided bottles. He dances about while skillfully keeping the bottles from tumbling. The audience is tense—will he spill them or not? The anxiety mounts as the entertainer speeds up his dancing pace. The accompanying music grows louder. At the climax of the act the entertainer does a somersault, head over heels—and keeps the bottles upright. As he walks offstage amidst appreciative applause he carelessly lets the tray dangle downward—but the bottles do not fall. They had been nailed to the tray! The audience laughs.
By first building up the anxiety of his audience as to whether or not he would spill the bottles, he was then able to release their tension through laughter. The whole thing was not as dangerous as it looked. What a relief!
In your social relations you need not first build up tensions in other people. They already have them in painful abundance. Your part is to make yourself a comfortable person, one who relaxes and soothes. This is guaranteed to make you a pleasing and welcome personality wherever you go.
Prominent Points for Daily Help1. Your brighter personality guarantees your richer future. Here you have an exciting motive for uplifting yourself.
2. Everyone has the choice of being a Commander or the Commanded. Stick by your decision to win the magic power to persuade and command people.
3. You charge your personality with extra energy every time you go directly after what you want from life. Have you noticed how the strong individual always seems to know where he's headed?
4. Get the habit of refusing to do things just because they are expected of you. It builds your independence. It commands respect from others, especially from those who make unreasonable demands upon you.
5. Have the courage and the good sense to shed programs and ideas that do nothing for you.
6. Don't meet other people with fixed ideas as to what you should say and do. Practice the technique supplied in this chapter for releasing your vast originalities.
7. Don't underestimate your abilities to build a powerfully persuasive personality. If you think it is impossible, you just think so.
8. Like Gulliver, assure people of your friendly intentions. Sometimes that alone is enough to win their cooperation.
9. Be a comfortable person.
10. The powerful personality is one who recognizes and helps to release the tensions and anxieties of others. Everyone is attracted to the man who helps him feel better.
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