Chapter - 13

Answers To Your Questions

About Winning Your Way

You might as well win personal power the easy way. The following questions and answers will save effort and energy as you go about your people-persuading plans. Over the years I have found them to be among the most-often-asked. Apply the answers to your own programs.

At A Los Angeles Lecture I Heard You Speak On The Influential Power Of Self-Awareness.

Will You Please Review?"

Self-awareness results from honest self-observation. The person who wishes to discover his real self should look at himself to find out what is true, not merely what he wants to be true. This means that we should become aware of our daily thoughts and motives, of our feelings and our attitudes, and especially of our rationalizations. The human mind is a tricky thing; it tries desperately to escape from whatever it doesn't care to face about itself. As a humorous example, the foreman of a building project asked a worker, "How come you're carrying only one board when the others are handling two?" After thinking it over, the worker came up with the perfect rationalization, "It must be because they are too lazy to make two trips like I do."

Some people make the mistake of thinking that realistic observation of themselves means that they should be grim or pessimistic about it. Not at all. It is perfectly possible to be earnest in your self-searching without being gloomy. The reality of your life is that you can grow in strength and in security, that you are able to change your personality and your circumstances, that opportunities do exist bountifully, that riches and respect can appear before the man who knows how to turn his personal power into a successful life.

These are the cheery realities. All else is mistaken viewpoint.

Let me tell you a story that shows how self-understanding can make others appreciate you:

One afternoon I was driving the highway while accompanied by a salesman with whom I was doing business. I asked him to supply me with some details concerning our transaction, which he proceeded to do. As we approached the business district the traffic grew heavier, which required that I pay more attention to my driving and less to the conversation. However, we continued to talk. The traffic finally got so confused that I had to set my whole mind on safe driving—and at that point the salesman remarked with a grin, "I see that you have your hands full with the traffic. I'll keep quiet until we're in the clear."

It suddenly struck me that he had really said something quite unusual. It was rare that a passenger had the insight to realize that I couldn't concentrate on both driving and listening at the same time. I appreciated that man's thoughtfulness immensely.

"How come," I asked him later, "you realized that I had all I could handle in the traffic?"

"Because," he replied, "I was aware of how I would feel in the same situation."

Self-awareness supplies you with other-awareness. And other-awareness gives you power, influence — and quite often some delightful appreciation from others.

"A Number Of Us Work Alongside A Chronically Antagonistic Person.

Will You Comment Generally on the Problem?"

You sometimes run into people who are incapable of normal give-and-take in human relations. Emotional wounds from bitter experiences of the past prevent them from accepting much in the way of love or friendship or even relaxed companionship. Such people are apt to be hostile and suspicious to your suggestions which would do them some good. They keep you at arm's length. The truth is, you waste your time and energy trying to reach such people by direct effort. They have locked the door, and woe unto anyone who approaches with a key.

Such a person often gives the appearance of getting better. One day he shows up so radiantly gay that you wonder whether the long-awaited improvement has at last taken place. But come next day and his usual miserable self reappears. It always does, sooner or later, because no basic betterment has really taken place in his personality. He is cheery merely because something from outside himself excites his feelings or tickles his fancy. If you take a bowl of water and splash it back and forth inside the bowl, it will rise briefly to above-usual heights on the sides of the bowl. But once your outside energy disappears, it falls back to its usual level. That illustrates one characteristic of this kind of person. I guess you could call him a splash in the pan.

Another characteristic of such problem-people is their excessive need to blame others for their own predicament. I recall a humorous incident which illustrates a philosophic attitude which will help you in dealing with them:

It was pickup day and my neighbor dutifully deposited her boxes of trash near the curb. As she turned back toward her house a nervous yellow mongrel shoved his nose eagerly into the boxes, scattering trash all over the sidewalk. Shooed away from his hoped-for meal, Fido insisted on yapping angrily from a safe distance. As she patiently picked up the papers, my neighbor calmly eyed the snapping mongrel, then addressed him with the kindly philosophic words, "I don't think you understand. I'm the one who's supposed to bark."

Most of all, chronically antagonistic people need your understanding, for they have none of their own. They just cannot see how things really are. Here is where your philosophic patience becomes a good tool for persuading them toward cooperation. Just let them go their troubled way. Be nice to them and let them go at that. In time they may return of their own free will to give you another opportunity to show them that you like them after all.

Don't forget this golden rule when dealing with such a person, male or female: Once you reach him through the proper secret passage, he will go all out to harmonize with you. He holds a hidden welcome sign which he will gladly show whomever first wins his confidence.

Im Afraid I’m Not Quite The Handsomest Man In Town.

What Part Does Physical Appearance Play in Person-to-Person Persuasion?"

None. Beyond the usual requirements of personal neatness and good grooming, we can look exactly like nature made us and use it to positive advantage when with other people.

In the first chapter of this book I promised to prove to you that personal persuasiveness does not depend upon us looking like something out of the latest Hollywood epic. I bring this matter up because lots of people think that it does. It doesn't. Think of some of the influential people in the public eye and you will agree that physical perfection has nothing to do with personal power and social charm.

A man is appealing to others according to what he is, not according to what he looks like. The things that count are a man's personality, his talents as a leader, and his ability to inspire and help those who know him. People don't really care whether or not their leader is the handsomest man in town, but it is important to them that he be a strong leader. People are interested in what another can do for them. A thirsty man hasn't the slightest concern with what the drinking glass looks like.

Dr. Camilla M. Anderson points out, ". . . the psychological person rather than the physical person determines most behavior." 1

This means that your behavior is based on your inner qualities. If your inner self is attractive it will automatically produce attractive behavior toward others. And pleasing acts and words are really the persuasive forces that sway people your way.

Besides. . .

When is a man handsome?

When is a woman beautiful?

I will tell you:

When someone says so. You are handsome or you are beautiful because someone else thinks you are. When either quality is attributed to you, it becomes a fact with you. The fact that someone thinks you are attractive is the whole matter; nothing else is valid, not even what you think about it. Proof: If another person thinks you are attractive, and you disagree with him, your negative opinion makes no difference to the other person. He sees what he sees and likes what he sees and we can all be very happy about that.

You can make anyone think that you are handsome or that you are beautiful. And once you do you really are. As a matter of fact, you were quite attractive all along. You just didn't believe it.

"I Realize That Successful Persuasion Is Based On Supplying The Needs Of Others.

How Can I Tell What They Want?"

1 Saints, Sinners and Psychiatry, by Camilla M. Anderson, M.D. Paperback Ed., The Durham Press, Portland, Ore., 1962.

By becoming aware of your own needs and tastes. This is so important a point that it has been emphasized throughout this book.

Basically, we all want the same things, such as security, a feeling of self-esteem, someone to encourage our efforts. Your clear awareness of your needs is an accurate method of realizing what the other person wants. People who do not understand themselves have a lesser capacity for understanding others. Because they cannot accurately identify their own yearnings, they cannot recognize the longings of others—and hence cannot supply them. Self-knowledge always has been and always will be the guide to knowledge of others.

The story goes about a young pharmacist and his bride who visited some relatives on a New Jersey farm. During the conversation they were served with a newly delicious cold beverage. It was like nothing the young couple had tasted before. The pharmacist learned that it had been brewed from a variety of roots and barks which grew in the surrounding woods. The young man began to wonder, "If I like this unusual beverage, wouldn't others like it too?"

Upon arriving home, he began to experiment in creating his own special beverage. For flavoring he used the roots and herbs from the shelves of his drug store. He served the finished drink to some of his customers. They liked it—immensely. It tasted just as delicious to them as it did to the man who made it.

With mounting enthusiasm, the pharmacist mixed more roots and barks. The more he mixed the more he sold. It wasn't long before his delicious beverage was occupying most of his business hours.

That, in brief, is how a famous root beer manufacturing firm—the Charles E. Hires Company—got its start. Young
 
Charles E. Hires wisely realized that something that tasted special to him might also taste special to others. His psychology was correct and his ambitious experiments proved it.

The thing to do is to build a "want consciousness." This means that you become increasingly aware of the needs and tastes and desires of other people. There is no better way to do this than to experiment with human nature as you go about your daily affairs. Select three or four people whom you meet and observe their personalities. Ask yourself, "Just what kind of a person is he? What seems to be his most basic needs? To be praised for his work? To be set at ease with me? To have a receptive ear whenever he has something to say? To be encouraged in this or that?"

As you practice this, you will find an unexpectedly interesting thing happening. You will become more and more aware of your own needs, for you will be seeing basic human nature. You will begin to truly find yourself, to observe yourself with clarity of thought. And that is when you really empower yourself, for once you clearly know what you want, you will have no trouble at all in getting it from others.

"I Feel That My Personality Is Not Growing As Energetically As It Might.

Will You Please Offer a Solution?"

If you will really carry out the following plan, you will energize every department of your life:

Don’t be afraid to sever unprofitable relationships.

It could be a business account that costs more than it pays; maybe it's a friendship of doubtful value; perhaps you are wasting your time with this club or that activity. If you are not really getting what you want and need from a particular association, why continue it? It just doesn't make sense to waste abilities that could well be directed toward self-advancement.

Take a look at your relationships. If you feel doubtful about some of them, even resentful, consider that they had better be severed and replaced. "In all societies, it is advisable to associate with the highest. . ." (Colton)

Richard A., who ran a retail business of his own, dropped in to ask, "Why don't I attract more profitable relations? Is my personality keeping me from meeting more people and enjoying more success with them? Why don't I win what I want from people?"

"Because," I told him, "you are compromising. And you compromise because you don't know any better. The reason you are not getting what you want from your social relationships is because in your heart of hearts you mistakenly feel that you are now getting all that there is to get. You don't like that limitation but you foolishly accept it. You cling to what little you have for fearing of losing all. Why do you mistakenly believe that there is only one job or one lady friend or one social circle? Who told you that? Why all this gullible belief in scarcity?"

"What," Richard asked, "has that to do with my personality?"

"Everything destructive. Each day that you tolerate an unfair or unprofitable relationship you reinforce your false conviction that that is the best you can do. And that, believe me, is what causes a personality to suffer and wither."

"So what do I do?"

"Be willing to cut yourself adrift from whatever shaky support your present associations give you. Don't worry about finding better people or superior circumstances. They exist. You just don't know them as yet. But you will. America was here long before Columbus discovered it. But first he had to sail away from Spain."

Look at your own associations and contacts. Are some of them more habitual than profitable? If so, have the courage to sail away to new and refreshing worlds.

"How Can I Make The Other Person Understand Things Quickly?"

By dealing with him on his terms of understanding. Here is a place where many persuaders, even the experts, falter in their programs. It is all too easy to forget that while we may know what is going on, the other person may be removed mentally 10 blocks away.

You must remember that his mind is not your mind. Therefore he won't and can't see things as you do.

The story is told of the doctor who prescribed all sorts of pills and liquids to a businessman patient who complained of sleepless nights. None worked. Upon the patient's next visit the good doctor gave him an album of phonograph records, thinking that soft music might soothe the man into dreamland. A recording of Vienna waltzes failed, as did one consisting of peaceful symphonies. After carefully thinking about his patient's background, the doctor gave him a record carrying the repeated sound of a clanging cash register. That did it! That was something that businessman understood!

In order that you might understand this idea as clearly as possible, let me tell you something about the human mind and how it operates: The mind is absolutely incapable of understanding anything above its own level. If people do not understand you, the simple reason is that no man can understand something which is beyond his own experience. (This is why it is pointless to argue or plead with a person who resists understanding any particular truth. He cant understand because he wont understand. )

In a recent group discussion I illustrated this idea by setting four human figures on a map of the United States. The figures were set in the center of the map, backs to each other, each facing one of the four directions of north, south, east, west. This illustration helped to get over the point that everyone you meet is as different in his personal viewpoints as he is in his physical appearance. Each sees the world according to the position he faces, that is, according to his beliefs, opinions, and convictions. Therefore, a man facing north is bound to have difficulty appreciating the cotton fields of the South. The man facing east could be told about the wonders of the Rocky Mountains, but he must see them himself in order to really understand their mightiness.

The authors of Social Psychology make the point, "One cannot motivate a man to act by using terms outside his comprehension: one must appeal to purposes which he understands and which make sense to him."2

To persuade the other person quickly, ask yourself whether you are persuading him in terms of his understanding. Here are five excellent questions to ask yourself:

1. Does he understand the benefits he will receive?

2. Am I using language which he easily grasps?

3. Am I persuading according to his self-interest?

4. Does he realize what his refusal will cost him?

5. Is he confused on any point at all?

Get into some personal practice by thinking of someone whom you are trying to win, perhaps a client or friend or child. List some actions you can take which will make your plan clearer to him. Now carry them out. See how much sooner you get both his understanding and his agreement.

1. ______________________           
2. ______________________
3. ______________________           
4. ______________________           
5. ______________________           

2 Alfred R. Lindesmith and Anselm L. Strauss, Social Psychology, Rev. Ed. (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, Inc., 1956).

"What About Opportunities For Exerting Influence And Leadership?

Where Do They Exist?"

Wherever there are human beings with human desires. Let's look at the need for personal participation. So very many people feel left out of life's best experiences, passed by, ignored. This they don't like. Any of us would rather attend a sizzling barbecue than read about it.

Susie: In this world there's a man for every girl and a girl for every man. Isn't that something to shout about?

Betty: I don't want to shout about it; I just want to get in on it.

This human need for participation, to live life is your opportunity for influence. The conversationalist who can include others in the discussion is bound to be popular. The businessman who knows how to set his customers in the center of his advertising will surely see good results in his cash register. The parents who permit their children to share reasonably in family planning will certainly win the affection of the young ones.

Here is an interesting story from the pages of history which shows how one man became wealthy and famous when he took the opportunity to supply another kind of human need:

A certain British clerk in a government office believed that his fellow countrymen had a need for adding romance and adventure to their lives. He decided to supply this need by writing exciting novels. His first book was such a smashing success that the reading public set up a clamor for more of the same. For over 12 years this imaginative man turned out stirring tales that carried readers away from their dull lives for awhile to lift them to worlds of romance and conquest. Curiously enough, no one knew who the author was, for the man behind the pen left his manuscripts unsigned. Today we know that the man who so skillfully fulfilled the human need for escape to glory was Sir Walter Scott, author of Ivanhoe and Kenilworth.

Remember that people who want things habitually look to a leader who can help to obtain them. Here is how Dr. Harry Emerson Fosdick expresses it:

We love to be mastered ... to feel awe in the presence of commanding personality, to fall in love until we become humble suppliants for the favors of the adored . . . The ability to follow leadership is basic in all hopes of a better world . . . 3
Opportunities? Limitless. Really.

"My Usual Attempts To Persuade A Problem Person Get Me Nowhere.

What Can I Do?"

Do something different: Ask the problem person himself what would persuade him.

A chief value of this unusual technique is that it comes as a pleasant surprise to the other man. He may be identifying you as an opponent or possibly as someone who is trying to get him to do something contrary to his own wishes. By asking for his assistance, the relationship no longer consists of two opposing wills but rather becomes a situation wherein two minds are earnestly working together to find a mutually beneficial solution. Your identity changes from that of someone who is trying to get something from him to one who is attempting to give him something in exchange for his agreement. This will strike him as being a reasonable bargain to which he can safely give his cooperation.

Also, whenever you ask for his suggestions you get a clearer idea of the kind of reward he expects from his cooperation. If you can supply it, he is sold on the spot.

The story goes about the Indian brave who was hunting in the forest when he came upon a fellow tribesman who was standing silently motionless in back of a big rock. The brave invited his silent friend, "Come hunting with me. We'll share our bag of game."

"Don't want to," was the stubborn reply.

"The hunting is good today," the brave urged. "Come along."

"Not interested," came the gruff refusal.

In one more desperate attempt the brave enthused, "Think of all the glory well share when we return with a feast."

"No," the motionless Indian scowled.

"What can I do," the brave finally asked, "to talk you into coming with me?"

His friend tilted his head in deep thought for a moment, then answered, "I think I know how you can persuade me."
3 Harry Emerson Fosdick, On Being a Real Person (New York: Harper and Brothers, Publishers, 1943).

"How?" inquired the delighted brave.

The motionless Indian pointed down to his feet which were hidden by the rock, then sadly sighed, "Get me out of this bear trap!"

The moral is, ask an obstinate man how you can persuade him. He may give you a surprisingly simple solution.

"I Work At Winning Worthwhile Goals With Other People, But I Get Easily Distracted And Discouraged.

How Can I Be More Persistent?"

Place your objective before everything else.

In Chapter 1 we found that we must have clear-cut goals when it comes to winning people. In other words, we must know exactly what we want. That is half the battle. The other half is this:

Set that objective before all else. And you will have it.

The newspapers recently reported the adventure of a man who set out alone in a California desert to seek one of the legendary lost gold mines of the area. While poking around he got lost. He stumbled beneath the burning sun for three days, only to find himself wandering in a circle. With water almost gone he despaired of ever reaching safety. He finally sighted a thin spiral of smoke on the distant horizon. Setting his eye on that smoke he worked his way toward it. He slipped in the sand and he fell over rocks and he got tired and discouraged—but he set his goal before everything else. He made it to that smoke which meant an occupied cabin and safety.

No matter how desperate the circumstances, anyone can have anything he wants — when he makes it his first and last order of business.

Whatever your objective with people, you should:

Think about it constantly.

Go after it in one way or another every day.

Refuse to accept your own doubts that you can have it.

Do these things and you will have it.

When driving your car you don't stop when you see a red traffic light a block ahead. You keep going because you know that by the time you get there it will turn green for you. Your continued advance toward that signal is what brings the two of you together favorably. So it is in your social relations. There is never a need to halt in dismay, for your courageous forward movement will surely carry you to the point where you have the green light, to where you pass through to power and happiness in all your human relations.

Important Answers to Remember

1. Learn as much about yourself as you can. You will like what you find. Also, self-awareness is a tremendous force for winning others to your way.

2. Remember that people are attracted to the way a person acts, not necessarily to the way he looks. Charm is the lasting kind of attractiveness, and anyone can be charming.

3. Experiment with people as a means of building your social effectiveness. Seek to understand them better.

4. Do not hesitate to cut yourself away from unprofitable people and places. Your progress depends upon it. Your first duty is toward yourself.

5. Remember that the other person lives in an entirely different mental world than yours. In all your people-persuading programs, make sure he understands the benefits of going your way.

6. Think of as many ways as possible to offer personal participation to the other person. People like to be actively engaged with life.

7. Your opportunities for leadership and authority are really as limitless as you make them. Why limit your self?

8. When dealing with a hesitant person, show him that you are giving him something, not taking.

9. Place your goal before everything else. Permit absolutely nothing to interfere with it.

10. Continue your drive toward power and influence. As long as you are moving forward, you cannot fail to reach your desired destination.

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